Chandos (Trafalgar Square)

Mahatma Gandhi (Gandhi)

Crikey this takes me back a bit! I used to kick about in here when I was young student at the LSE ,125 years ago. Dirt cheap it is.

Who’d have thought I’d be back now, after all I’ve been through! I’ve only popped in for a couple mind, while I wait for the queue at the Embassy to die down. It’s far too chilly outside… an April morning... in this get-up!! “You have to queue at the embassy Mahatma?” I hear you asking. Well, yes… let me explain why,...once I’ve got one in that is...

“One Man in the Box my good man… and whatever it is that you are having (for less than 2 quid)?”

*Pulls a tenner out of his loin-cloth and sneers at the Queen’s face*

This is the last time I'm gonna have to look at somebody else’s ugly mug when I handle the bunce (for a while)! Oooh, this time next week!……

Ah yes, you see, I’m heading back to Mother India soon, hence need for Visa. It’s been too long…. almost 60 years in fact. Yup, all that nonsense about me being assassinated… none of it is true you know. I’ve been over here since 1949 haven't i?! Hanging out in Notting Hill, working part-time as a Ben Kingsley lookalike, doing a spot of modelling on the side.,..the occasional bit of DIY on reality TV. "Handy Gandhi" and all that, Loverly jubberly!

*Sips lager and smacks lips*

Oh boy that’s good… maybe I’ll do the Embassy tomorrow instead actually. A right pain it is… and this beer tastes decent. After all, whats it all about?...A man of my calibre having to go through that rigmarole. Still, as officially I AM dead, I suppose it is necessary.

"Put the TV on will you pal! I think that the Darts should be on!"

So, yeah, you find it hard to believe that the great Mahatma has been in the UK for 60 years? Yes it is true! I’ll admit – although my intentions were always the best, it has changed me, and objectively its been a wrong move. All my best laid plans and moralistic teachings have been shot to bits here in England,...in a chavalanche of booze, shenanigans and the occasional bout of high-jinks! Still, i've certainly had some wicked laughs. But now,..yes now, it's time to knock it on the head. It's gone too far. To be honest, i got carried away and lost my direction.

Kicking around in South London suburbs for years trying to spead the word to the oppressed, well,..it was only a matter of time before I got influenced by the locals,..before all that non-violence rhetoric went out of the window. I got involved with a couple of football crews in the 80's didn’t I? Initially in an attempt to turn em to the light! Well yeah,.unfortunately it went the other way, and that’s when I dropped the old “turn the other cheek” stuff.

Just hit first and hit hard is what you learn when you're south of the river. Non-violence? F**k that my friends, you wouldn't last ten minutes trying to preach a sermon with that nonsense,..unless that is, you want to end up getting stamped into the pavement and garrotted with your own loin cloth!!

*Tooting Bec*

Of course, as i became more and more associated with the natives; one thing led to another and before i knew it i was proper Anglesised. First, it was days at the football, next thing i found myself in the boozer most nights,...before i knew it i was wearing designer labels (Stone Island mostly), and watching Hollyhocks of a Sundy morning in bed (with lord knows who!).

At one point i even found myself talking about what Paris Hilton had been upto recently and was inviting people around to see my new mood lit kitchen!!

Well..talk about moments of clarity / epiphany, whatever you wanna call it. I knew that i had finally lost the plot, and that it was time to go home, when some geezer tried to stop me sparking a burner on an Easyjet stag-do flight to Magaluf,...and i threatened to use his hands as ashtrays; should he fail to desist from his nagging!

"That it's come to this, Mahatma old son" I remember thinking (as i shook off the stewardesses and finished the fag). I got straight on to the Embassy from the cell the next morning.

So,..here i am now, once again a man with a mission - in The Chandos by Trafalgar Square. All teed up for the Embassy, the journey home and a return to my pious life (and my people) back in India....

.....Mind you, having said that,..this Lager is going down a right treat,..reckon i'm getting the taste again,......Hey up,..what's this? Whahey!.....Someones brought a football in! *This should be a crack*,..........Errr ,..Oi,..Over ere son,..on me ead!

Maybe tomorrow.

Looks like Wilson's "quiet pint" has gone out the window,..

Mahatma Gandhi's rating for The Chandos - 7 / 10

Steveo / Rolosocosy

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