All Bar One (Docklands)

Andy Defresne (The Shawshank Redemption)

Right, that’s the latest letter posted, so let’s duck in the nearest juicer for a pint of the golden stuff.

Oh, look, it’s an All Bar One how ironic. It’s these f**kers I’ve been writing to, twice a week, for over 6 years now, with just 1 simple request: stop serving Grolsch on tap!!! Oh well, what’s the point of looking around, I mean I’m in the Docklands baby, finding a normal pub here would be like tunnelling out of Shawshank with a rock hammer – it’s not gonna happen!

“Pint of Carling mate”
“Sorry, it’s off”
“Eh? errr… what else have you got on tap?”
“How about a Grol…”
“NO… what else?”
“Star?”
“A Star it is… yea, that’s fine”

Other than that Dutch nonsense, I’ll drink anything: after 25 years in the can you’re not so fussy once back on the outside. That time we laid the tarmac on the roof and I wangled a few brews for the boys, they could have served up Miller Lite and we would have guzzled it… you don’t know the meaning of the word desperation until you’ve done a stretch.

Still, that’s not to say I’m happy being in this gaff… all these polished surfaces remind me of the canteen in the slammer. I dunno why I do it to myself… I ‘spose it’s all down to the ex really. This is where we used to meet back when she was worked at Citigroup… back in the good old days, before I found out she was two-timing me with one of the traders, and then went and took matters into my own hands.

“Let me try something else… you got any cider?”
“We’ve got that Magners sh1t sir, shall I get you a bottle?”
“Magners sh1t eh? Yea go on… what, is Cider all trendy now then?”
“Only if you have it poured over an entire pint glass of ice sir… otherwise you look like a mug. Oh and you say "Over ice" not "with" ice if you're "wid-it"”
“Over" ice it is then mate… and here’s the £10”

Oh look, what’s this on the table… some graffiti? Looks to me like it says “Brooks woz ere”. Crikey, no wonder he topped himself if this was where he started hanging once he got out! I had him down as a Wetherspoon’s man. I suppose they unleash you on the Docklands after 50yrs inside and you just assume that all decent pubs disappeared with the Dodo and Rag and Bone men. Poor old Brooks… still, at least he wasn’t around long enough to stumble across somewhere that had been full-on gastro’d.

What’s this underneath? It seems to say “Hey you… Magpie you tit…. whazzat?” How strange.

Yea I dunno why I just don’t pack my bags and do what I said I was gonna do: open up a nice little guest house somewhere in Bavaria, breed a couple of goats in the back yard, splash out on a flash car and live for the Beerfest every year. What could be better? I even got Red interested in the idea… and he’s not even a lager man! Otherwise I’m just gonna sit in crap bars like this all day, staring up at Citigroup HQ and dwelling on the ex.

But for the moment ……. “Same again please mate”

Andy Dufresne’s rating for the Pitcher & Piano – 1/10

Steveo

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