Crown Hotel (Chertsey)

Gollum (Lord of the Rings)

We're in the Crown, aren't we? Yes, Precious. To watches the football. Yes. Likes football. Liverpool. Mmm.

I asks them on the telephone if they had Setanta and they told me they didn't. But I didn't believe them did I, Precious? No. Because they lied and tried to trick poor Smeagol. Turns out they do have Setanta all along. Nasty tricksy barmaids that don't know anything about football. They says to me:

"Are we showing the football? I don't know and don't really care. I suppose so if its not too loud. No, we don't have Setanta. And we've got lots of tables booked for dinner for Mother's Day or something, so that's the priority (not the Champions League quarter final)."

They lied.

But its just as well they do have Setanta because Smeagel has to watch the Liverpool game somewhere and we're thin on options in Chertsey aren't we Precious? We don't wants to go in The Prince Regent because its vile with bright bright lights and horrible nasty towny people that puts the jukebox on with bad techno and play pool in front of the screen while the football is on. No, not The Prince Regent. Evil place. Across the road in The King's Head they told me they would be showing the game but then they closed the pub, didn't they? All shut and boarded up now. No football on in there Precious. They lied to me as well. And I thoughtst they was my friends.

The Coach and Horses and The Vine have no TVs and the big pub across the road from The Crown is nonsense. Nonsense, Precious. And that leaves only The Crown and so I begs them to show the football. I begs them. People have been mean to Smeagol his whole life. People try to take gold and rings and Precious things from Smeagol. And The Crown is the same. They likes their gold in The Crown. £3.60 for a pint of Guinness. Most expensive in Chertsey. No wonder wretched Smeagol is wasting away at those prices.

The Winter Warmer used to be £2.90 in here. Nice and fresh from the pipes that was when it started. Not so fresh now. And £3.15. That's 25 pences all at once. Not fair is it, Precious? That's more than the budget. In fact the price rise was even before the budget, come to think of it. What's going on, Precious? Mean Crown. Like mean Deagol who wouldn't give his brother the shiny ring that they found in the lake together on his birthday.

This is a Young's pub but they don't have bottles of Double Chocolate. Me likes the Double Chocolate. Dark and malty like the caves where Smeagol lives. Mmm. But they doesn't have it. Not right is it, Precious? And its my birthday again. Smeagol disappointed and down-trodden his whole life. And now the barmaids won'ts turn up the volume for the build-up to Liverpool and Arsenal. "It's disturbing to the other customers, sir."

I might have to fix the barstaff likes I did to Deagol in our boat. Clutch my hands round their white necksies. Then drown them in Winter Warmer.

[Liverpool score the equaliser and one shaven-headed fan jumps up "Take that. BOSH! Away goal. Hello."]

I darenst try the food in here because I thinks they'll mess it up. I darenst. And the toilets smell a bit of wee, don't they? Yes. Wee. And the young nice lad can't pour pints, can he? No, Precious. But its still the best of a bad bunch in this town, isn't it? So we'll be back again for the football when it's not on Terrestrial, won't we? Yes Precious, we will.

Gollum's rating for The Crown Hotel - 6 / 10

Savage Cheyne

• View by pub
• View by reviewer
• View by place

• Natural Selection,..

  “,….. Why didn’t they live to be 100?Huh? Well, they woz running round all day, hunting mammoths, eating berries,..rumping their little hearts out. No boozing or smoking. They must have been fit as fiddles. Yer Neanderthalls……….I’ll tell you why, it’s … Continue reading →