Crosse Keys (Monument)

Idi Amin (The Last King of Scotland)

*Thursday night is curry night and the Crosse Keys is rocking, Dart’s are being shown on the big screen. Idi Amin and Captain Mainwaring approach the circular bar*

“What do you want then boy? I’m having a real ale (there’s a festival) and the Lamb Bhuna.”

*Arrogantly surveying the scene* “Give me a pint of the blood of those that would betray me,…….and the hottest thing on the menu, as usual.”

“Oh for heaven’s sake, not this again. You know what your stomach is like after a Vindaloo Idi,..surely something milder this week?!”

“Don’t dictate to me Captain. I am the last king of Scotland, totally in command, and I demand my hot Indian!”

“You really are the limit aren’t you boy! Can you not contain your ego for a minute?....And stop spreading your arms and doing that nodding! I’ve warned you about doing that on the front desk! Look, there’s a table over there, go over and get it, and shout me over the number – It will be written on the table itself – I’ll need that for when I order the food.”

“I will go. I will go and claim it as our own, but should anyone stand in my way, well,…it shall be henceforth known as table 1, the table of devine retribution!” *strides over, looking around at the minions*

*to himself* “Stupid Boy!” “Ah Barman, yes, a pint of your finest Old Peculiar, a Bloody,…actually make that a Virgin, Mary, the Bhuna and the Korma. *aside* He won’t be able to tell the difference on either of those,.. the drink or the ruby!”

“That’s 2 pounds in total sir”

“Sold,…and thank you my good man.”

*walks back to the table with the drinks. Idi, is sitting erect on his seat with his arms on the sides as if on a throne*

“Now, young man. I’ve got two words for you..”

“Your Highness?!”

“No!! Don’t be facetious. The two words that I am searching for are “Meeting” and “Rooms”, specifically with reference to your recent habit of booking them up for your own personal use. What have you to say for yourself?”

“You do not understand (you cannot), I have people to see,..and to instruct. The front desk does not afford sufficient levels of privacy at such times. Now,….*looking around shrugging*,..before I forget, I need to ask you a favour; where is my curry!? Where is it?...Go over and tell Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dee behind the bar, that I will be needing to speak to them at some point.”

“You!..Now you listen to me boy, you can stop all that nonsense right now! I am your Supervisor, so hear me, and hear me well - I want you to un-reserve all those meeting rooms first thing tomorrow morning, and in the afternoon I suggest you start an investigation as to where all the temporary passes have been disappearing too recently. You, my lad, are walking a very fine line! Admittedly, this curry is on me, and it’s on me, down to the commendable way in which you dealt with that sordid business of Roy Keane (from the 6th Floor) and the disabled toilets, the other week,….but after this, well, all I can say is, you had better buck your ideas up, cos you’ve used your last “Community Chest” card with me! Oh, and no boozing in The Red Lion at lunchtime either. No liquor is to be taken without my permission.

“I am omnipotent, i am the ruler of all I survey, and this old bank is my castle,..if I want to have a snifter, I will; who’s to stop me?!”

“You are not omnipotent, you are a security card on the front desk at a famous financial institution. Yes, granted, this place did used to be a bank, but now it’s a cavernous Wetherspoon’s pub. You, my lad,…are a very stupid boy!,..And you’ve grossly offended me! Unspeakable swine.

Idi Amin’s rating for the Crosse Keys – 9 /10

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