Paradise (by way of Kensal Green)

Robocop

*Sat with an expensive (flat), pint in a threadbare seat, at a corner table in The Paradise, Robocop is sporting a hands-free headset for his mobile-phone,…A call has obviously come through,…*

“Hello “ROBOCOPE”, Robo speaking, how can I be of assistance?…Yeah,….yeah,….sure,…I understand,……bang in trouble,…yes,…yes I see,….don’t panic,..The Corrib Rest is just three hundred yards away on your left hand side,….yep,……Salusbury Road…no problem,….bye,..oh,…and remember, STAY SAFE!....Ciao.”

*Hangs up.*

Another satisfied customer! Excellent, that was a close one I believe - some London citizen who was new to Queens Park, obviously having a mild panic attack at getting off the tube and not being able to spot a decent drinking establishment. Luckily, he’d either seen my adverts or heard me on the radio (“Robocope – for whenever you need a technical resolution for an illogical situation! A satisfactory resolution within 20 seconds guaranteed.), and had the Robocope hotline number saved directly onto his phone handset. Lucky for him he did, he’ll put me on Speed-dial going forward I’d imagine. I am here to serve.

Look at this place?! Could it be anymore over-rated? I mean, you’ll never get a seat, there is nowhere to stand, the prices are rude and the deschevelled décor is just plain insulting. It reminds me of the worst of the worst districts in Detroit! And don’t forget, working in Detroit was the reason for my moving to London,...

You see, as Robocop, you’re only as good as your last Robo-programming, it’s all in the downloads! And so, the day that it all turned around for me, was when I uploaded the Fallingdownthepub guide to London pubs,…(I was just surfing and stumbled across it) that’s when, and only when, I finally felt “Comfortable in my skin!” I then had a clear mission that I believed in. Forget the idea of quelling the rise of shoplifting and muggings in the North West London area,..I felt a calling from my past; my longheld beliefs brought to the surface,....I needed to tell real London pub fans where best to booze in unfamiliar neighbourhoods,…

*Phone goes again,….*

“Hello Robocope, Robo speaking, whassssuuuuuup!,…Notting Hill,…yes I understand,….deep breaths, deep breaths,…you’re in The Swan!? Mon dieu!…Listen,..don’t panic,…you can COPE with this…ask someone for directions to The Uxbridge Arms or The Windsor Castle,..yes,..yes, on Uxbridge Street,………”

*Hanging up again,..*

That’s right, “Robocope - Here to Serve & Protect”, catchy isn't it? And I think that it will turn out to be quite lucrative. However,…we (me R2D2 and The Tin Man) are only a small "start-up" at the moment and the cash isn't exactly pouring in! So, that’s why I’m here in The Paradise,…a little sideline I’ve got going on – Working the door,…I’m on my stipulated break at the moment.

Yes, so I do a bit of security work here - Thursday through Sunday, so what!,..You’ve got to keep your head above water at the end of the day, haven’t you? (Bills to pay and all that!) We all have to do things that we don’t want to at some point! *I dazzled them at the interview didn’t I?!,..They explained that they had been having some trouble on Speed-Dating-Wednesday's. I told em that, although i couldn't work Wednesday's,.."trouble" was something that i was used to dealing with, and that, with me in control, it would be a thing of the past (in The Paradise),..I then "pole-axed" them with my intention to use the old “Please finish your drinks, it’s eleven o’clock and you have ten minutes to comply!” line, at last orders.*

I was certainly a sho-in for the job,..but of course, it's not a job that I’m interested in at all,..not interested in whatsoever,…I mean, I detest The Paradise and I’m also totally behind the idea of 24 hour alchohol consumption. *Advertising the hotline has given me a real insight into jargon. So,..if you’ve got a moment,..I’d have to say that “I’m a real pro – professional boozing boozer!”* Still,…there’s always a way to “Serve the Common Good”. And, although “Bouncing” on the door at The Paradise is not my (programmed) idea of productive work,..as usual, I’ve a strategy. Yes, sure I’m a titular “Doorman”..but in terms of actually getting the job done? Well,..I just turn everyone away,…not a single citizen has crossed this threshold since I started here last week (at least, not on my watch). And,..i’ll tell you,..it’s for their own good - I just direct every potential customer down the road to The Regent instead.

*Phone goes again,…*

“Hello Robocope, Robo speaking, whayasayin?…Canary Wharf! Jesus,..young man, you are really up against it,…yes I understand,….listen,..i hate to break it to you,..in fact…yes, I don't know what to tell you…but it’s probably best that you get back on the tube network,…yes, sorry,..but you’re screwed around there,..”

Robocop’s rating for Paradise by Way of Kensal Green – 1 / 10

Rolosocosy

Check out who else rates The Regent above The Paradise...

• View by pub
• View by reviewer
• View by place

• Natural Selection,..

  “,….. Why didn’t they live to be 100?Huh? Well, they woz running round all day, hunting mammoths, eating berries,..rumping their little hearts out. No boozing or smoking. They must have been fit as fiddles. Yer Neanderthalls……….I’ll tell you why, it’s … Continue reading →