Regent (Kensal Rise)

Lalin (Carlitos Way)

Well, that Speed Dating went appallingly….. Appallingly, and totally as planned.

See, there’s nothing I like better these days than a bit of ‘schadenfreude’. After what’s happened in my life, I take active pleasure in spoiling things for others. So, after some successful sabotage upstairs in The Paradise, I’m always in the mood for a few congratulatory pints in The Regent next door.

Oh I love it, the old Speed Dating business; smashing from table to table every two minutes or so. Pints and paperwork everywhere. The evening? Well, ruined for everyone else of course, but that’s what I’m all about. Talk about ticking boxes. If I can leave a room full of pretentious pricks in a state of mayhem, then that’s my one and only box ticked. ‘Pity’, that’s what I thrive on; pity and payback.

I don’t rate The Paradise at the best of times,..but I always make sure that I am there for Speed-Dating Wednesday. I just keep coming and coming – they don’t even have the balls to bar me,..the P.C. cocks! When they carry me back down the stairs to the entrance, I’m creasing up all the way. Well, you’ve gotta get your kicks somehow haven’t ya?!

What really makes me laugh though, are the needlessly bitter and twisted; people with – objectively - nothing to complain about; people who think that life owes them a living.

You lot don’t know you’re born. Don’t talk to me about self pity. I’m the pity-meister!

“Oh, I’m so hard done by, I missed out on that promotion!”, “Oh god, the server’s down again, what have I done to deserve this!”
“This damn crooked nose is the bane of my life!”…..Horse-crap! Tell you what, why don’t you come back to me when you’ve got no legs, when your colostomy is over-flowing after a session! When most of your cash is spent on Pampers (although you’ve no kids). Yeah, then we’ll talk,..then we’ll have some common ground.

*God I used to love shopping for trainers; did I ever! Never out of JD Sport’s of a Saturday afternoon I was. Jordan 4#s, Adidas Retro’s, New Balance Insane’s (whatever). The lairier the better for old Lalin back then ,…back in the old days.

Look at me now; I don’t even know what I’m wearing down there at the moment,..the nurse put ‘em on for me this morning and they’re hidden under this blanket. I couldn’t even tell you if they’re comfy or not. They could be clogs for all I know. God I fancy this pint.*

“Pint of Bulmer’s please Chris.”

Like I say, mission accomplished next door, and now I’m in The Regent, where they treat me like a king and I can wheel myself in and out as happy as Chorlton of Wheeley fame.

When you spend your whole life being treated like a deaf-mute, you learn to appreciate a place where they show a little respect!

It’s flat in here you see, all on one level. I can scoot around from bar to restaurant, to outside area, to bog,..all unaided. The bar is a low rider too, so I can place my order without putting my hand up.

As you’ll see, they serve that Bulmer’s crap on draft too. I love that stuff,..with ice. Tends to numb the hands a bit, of course it does - the old glass, but once I’ve got it safely nestled in my groin, I don’t feel a thing.

It’s seen a fair few changes this gaff, (over the years) and now they seem to have it just right; chandeliers, good lighting and a reasonable crowd. Yeah, it’s a changed pub , but – unusually – changed for the better. Perversely, I’ve changed for the worse,..but that’s life baby. It’s certainly life for ole Lalin. I used to be a great dancer for instance; could "Cha-cha-cha" with the best of em,..but now,..well now, I’m just a great spoiler. Evolution.

When I roll into here, and get my wheels under the table, I feel like the Lalin of old; the playa, the ladies-man, the unstoppable object.

So, take it from the new Lalin. If you’re ever in Kensal Rise and find yourself in the nonsensical Paradise, chin your overpriced Fosters and get round the corner to The Regent. It looks better, the atmosphere’s smarter, the music is decent, you’ll get served quicker and you may even get a seat. If you’ve "had the weight-on" all day,..it’s a good place to ‘take it off’.

Seating? Well, obviously that’s not something I worry about, but, if you ever find yourself boozing in The Regent and you see a guy (out back) in a wheelchair, smoking and laughing to himself (nodding along to the music),…yeah,…that’ll be me, ‘Post Speed-Dating’ Lalin,…a stand-up guy,..with his pint of Bulmer’s crap and his frozen nuts.

Lalin’s rating for The Regent – 9 / 10

Rolosocosy

Seems lucky for Lalin that Robocop does not work on Wednesdays...

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  “,….. Why didn’t they live to be 100?Huh? Well, they woz running round all day, hunting mammoths, eating berries,..rumping their little hearts out. No boozing or smoking. They must have been fit as fiddles. Yer Neanderthalls……….I’ll tell you why, it’s … Continue reading →