Toucan (Soho)

The Falling Down Crew (Falling Down The Pub)

It's St Patricks day again, and all over the world, amateurs are out and about in Irish-themed boozers. Stupid hats, green wigs and needless Guinness drinking, to a man - Here's a snippet of how it's panning out "Falling Down style", in London's Soho - specifically, in the (miniscule) Toucan Bar,.....

*Boxed into a corner by the fag machine, some of the The Death Star Lads are being jostled by the heaving crowd. A tipsy Darth Vadar gets a well deserved reprimand from the Emperor….*

"Watch it! Watch it Darth! Take it easy with that Guinness old son, 'in-out, in-out', your breathing is sending it all over the place! Stop! You're getting the head everywhere! Steady yourself,..just watch it! Jesus,..stop getting pushed around as well; just assert your authority a bit will ya,..you really are a lightweight!!"

*Another failed sip from Darth and there’s froth everywhere*

"Hahahaha,..you look like some kinda Robotic panda!! Stop embarrassing yourself. I told ya that you should put the old 'Storm Trooper White' on today didn't I? Mug!......Now everyone,..get these wigs on,..and that’s an order!!"

*As the Storm-Troopers vainly try to find places to rest their pints (in order to facilitate wig placement),...a washed-up/soused-out deer is draped over a (kiddies) stool at the bar, he has a “I must be great - I’m Irish” T-Shirt on and is busy chewing someone's ear off,..*

"So,…hic,...i was in this forest right, on my jacks, not a dollar on me right,..it was almost night-fall and,...remember that I was only little at this point and that my mum was dead and...hic…."

"Oh, turn it in Bambi for Pete's sake,..not this one again; everybody has seen it! We’ve all got problems mate, just leave it alone will ya - someone give him his bottle to shut him up!"

*As Thumper reaches for the bottle (J2O), he gets his ear stuck underneath it; he stumbles, and accidentally bumps into the cordoned-off area,.....In this one metre square - handicapped section, Christy Brown (My Left Foot), is dying for his pint,... Christ he's dying for it,...*

"Enough, wid da thumpin already! I’m concentratin here!,…Hang on, hang,..err,.. hang on,..i can ged this, I can ged this!!” *trying to raise a pint of Guinness to his mouth with his foot,..he gets knocked again (this time by one of the Commitments) and it flies all over him.*

"Oh jehsus,....dis is typical, dats the turd one dats bin knocked so far!! Dis gaff is too TOO small to get any of the ole foot action goin on!"

*Still,..it's hard to bear a grudge on St Patrick's day,…and The Commitment does the honourable thing and apologises,..*

"Sorry bout dat pal. Let me get you’s another (I’ve some ludicrous vouchers anyhow),..if I can ever git served at da  bar dat is,…you're right bout it being too packed in here for sure,..but it’s still better dan round da corner; da queues here pale in comparison wit dose at O'Neill's,………. chain of Fools!"

*An 'Area reserved for S. Hawkins' sign, lies disguarded on the floor.*

*Elsewhere outside, the crowd is piled up everywhere. Toni (Montana) and Manny (Ribera) from Scarface are 'working' the pavement, but to no avail; the disinterested crowd are too booze-focused tonight.

On the other side of the road; almost 100 yards from the pub in fact, Sylvester The Cat and Daffy Duck, have got as close as they can get and are perched on a curb having a confusing conversation (since they have the same voice) discussing options,…*

"Suckering suckertash,..iphs thwammo here phisnt phit? I tink Iphs your wround Bweak face,..."

“Thwat, phew talkeen abhplout?”

“Listen, I’m sick of this and , joking aside, I don’t quite understand you mate, can we just speak normally, no ones watching?”

"Dwispwicable! Absworutely dwispwicable!"

“Oh come on mate, we’re all old friends here,..let’s drop it shall we, it’s your round!”

“Fair enough Sly,..Carling Top yeah,…?”

*Daffy crosses back to the pub, taking care to avoid Carlito Brigante, who is lying on his back in the middle of the road. Not shot this time, he is simply tanked and moaning something connected with Liverpool’s chances in the Champions League,..and about the streets watching,..

AnyWho,...

In the meantime, back in the bar, Mr Toad is having a whale of a time table-topping (wearing a ginger beard),….and then sprinting away, once clocked. Badger is phoning a cab and Mole is facing the wall in the far corner (with a terrified, Bashful the dwarf).*

“Whahey!!!!!!! Mole you pussy!!” he shouts across the pub, then falls on his face laughing

Napoleon Dynamite has, in the meantime, asked for the 'Hiddily Diddly' crap to be turned down and replaced by some 80’s pop tracks,……...

,..as Napoleon is escorted from the building, outside, a 70’s American car craws past at low speed; it’s a Cadillac,..a Cadillac El-Dorado Coup-de-Ville,…inside the car, Jules and Vincent (Pulp Fiction), decide that they had better go back and get guns…they drive on.

Over (the road) in Soho Square, two gay hobbits start a row with two (similarly) gay droids..it’s so tame though, that all the outside punters just laugh, carry on boozing (from their plastic glasses) and leave them to it,..there are a fair amount of puke coated vouchers in the middle of the road.

At the same time, in the toilets, another ruck is kicking off - and Henry from Goodfella’s steps-in to prevent some fraternal fisticuffs, as the Chuckle Brothers get into one another after too much Magners ,……Ernie McCracken from King-Pin kills time (smirking) near the ladies bog.

Back outside; Spiderman and Ethan Hunt (from Mission Impossible) are loitering; looking aggro; having been booted-out for trying to queue-jump (by having a crawling race along the bar ceiling). They both remonstrate with the bouncer, but Mrs Doubtfire (having first dispensed with Dynamite) is having none of it,….

“Och no, you’s two. You’s be trouble and you’s know you are,..*adjusts bosom* away with ya,..“

Spidey to Ethan – “Do you fancy checking out Heaven instead?”

Ethan – “Yeah ok,..I reckon Napoleon will be up for it too.”

As the wobbly hand-held camera pulls back (to reveal a rainy panoramic London scene), we can see King Kong (obviously livid), on the roof of the boozer. Wilson the ball is equally perturbed, being booted around by some rugger types on Oxford Street,........and in the distance, from somewhere near (O'Neill's) Euston, we can see Superman setting off in the direction of France,....

……..All the while, just around the corner from The Toucan, in a regular London boozer. Inspector Gadget, Ace Ventura, Data from Star Trek and the Dead-Spotting Kid from the Sixth Sense, have spent a very enjoyable (and comfortable) night, getting slowly tanked-up in their regular haunt, whilst chatting-up some Irish birds.

They had the added bonus of taking the quiz machine to the cleaners 'n' all.

The Falling Down The Pub Crew’s rating for The Toucan – 0 / 10
(Mr Toad’s rating of 10 / 10 doesn't count) "Dwispwicable"

Rolosocosy

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