Eagle (Ladbroke Grove)

Lawrence Jamieson (Dirty Rotten Scoundrels)

It’s the funniest scam in the world ain’t it; poncing around impersonating English landed-gentry in Monte Carlo, dinner-jacketed-up, with Steve Martin; when deep down you’ve no time for him (now that he ain’t funny) and are a West Londoner through and through. God I’ve had some laughs,.but I’m a fraud, and it ain’t easy playing that out, day after day.

Yeah,..”A Dirty Rotten Scoundrel”,…but my heart is in the right place and I never forget my roots.

Chomping on those fillet mignons with that rich trout in Monaco; all I could think of was the pies and liqueur in Shepherds Bush market. Water-skiing with some other blue-rinser in the Maldives,..and the only thing on my mind was Tooting Bec lido,..and a pint of London Pride.

It’s a crazy business, living the high life in the sun, with rich widows, when your roots (and young dolly birds) are elsewhere.

So I’ll tell you what,..there’s nothing I like better when I’m back in London, than a night out down The Eagle.

Whenever I finish a scam, and have a few weeks to lie low, it’s always good to get back to Ladbroke Grove, and to The Eagle - my place of choice. And I’ll tell you all for why! It’s natural and it's a brilliant craic,..and the last thing that you want when you are a confidence trickster, is to be fake in your own manor! You’ve also gotta keep up to speed.

In the Eagle there’s a TV for the football (which I love),…and under the TV there’s a dartboard, under which there is a karaoke machine, next to which there is a pool table and the fag machine,….the bar ain’t far off either. And all the while (over the top), the radio plays. Best of all though, there’s more fresh geezers than you could shake a stick at. For a ducker and a diver - It’s a bit like a refresher course.

No need for a false moustache or impeccable manners in here. Incognito and disguised are de riguer ici,..no unnecessary questions, just a cracking good laugh.

I’m a cheeky-chirpy cockney chap of course, but when I wanna take time out, I just kick back, get a Fosters-top, a seat at the bar, and just listen to the banter in The Eagle,..best entertainment you’ll get for free or without compromising your dignity. I’m a professional conman after all; but these guys keep me on my toes, just check out yesterday:

*two geezers finish their pints, thank the barman (who reciprocates), place their empties on the bar, and leave.*

Alan the punter – “So,…I don’t know about those two Bri,..”

Brian the Barman – “Huh,..?”

A - “Toff’s,…dunno what they think they are doing coming in here….I didn’t follow any of that,..”

B - “What?”

A - “Toffs!”

B - “Yeah, so what…they are good blokes,..and what business is it of yours what they were talking about?! They’re alright.”

A - “Well,..that may be so,..but I didn’t know what they were talking about,..politics or some such was it?”

B - “Yeah, so? That’s not saying much is it Dave! I mean it may have been over your head, but most things go over your head don’t they Dave. Bet that happens to you all the time though don’t it?!”

A - “Huh?”

B - “Exactly Dave,…”

A - “Well, what was all that crap about them asking you to turn the volume down on the fruit machine all about?!”

B - “I thought that was fair enough. I’d complain too if I had to sit at that table (next to the fruity),…..It’s not rocket science Dave,..you can arrange to have fruit machines turned down if you want to; there are different settings, In fact, I’m gonna talk to the engineer about it the next time he comes in. It IS too loud at the moment.”

A - “Hahahaha, yeah right!!..Like you can get the volume turned down!!”

B - “Of course you can,..that’s what I am saying!”

A - “Oh yeah,..right! Tell you what, let me go and test it now,..”

B - “What do you mean TEST IT?”

A - “I’ll have a game now,..let’s see about that volume thing…”

B - “I just said to you Dave, I need to speak to the engineer first.” *under his breath* “Jesus!”

A - *slipping a quid in* “Yeah, yeah, alright,..let’s see what happens now!” *laughing*

B - “Jesus  Dave, I could put a sign up in front of you saying that the “engineer has been called and will sort out the volume” and you still wouldn’t understand that would you!?”

A - “What?” *playing the machine (creasing up)* ”,………….see it’s still loud Brian…..”

,………Wicked boozer this one…..Though you've gotta ask yourself, just "Who’s playin who?!"

n.b All names have been changed here obviously. (partly cos i've forgotten and partly cos i'm not an amateur!!),..Ok, I’m off to meet Maltese Steve in Christies,..

Lawrence Jameison’s rating for The Eagle – 8 /10

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