Heaven (Embankment)

Jay (Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back)

God damn…. Me ‘n’ my hetero lifemate "Silent Bob" check out this sh*thole on Saturday night…you know, over in London, checking the scene; thinking that any place  called “Heaven’” has gotta be full of hot pussy, right?! F**k-ing wrong!

First of all, we get in there and it's abolutely packed. Whoa, i thought, let the good times role. Before i had even gotten a beer i had already spied a hot piece of ass in fishnets leaning over the bar, flashing that booty for all to see. She was my kinda lady, i could tell that immediately. So I went up to her and said “Baby baby baby! You must be in Heaven,.*because Jay and Silent Bob, (the Mack Daddies of Jersey) are here for your pleasure*”. 

She loved it. "These English chicks are unbelievably easy", i remember saying to Bob.

So anyway, we go off to a table, we get to chatting, and she guides my hand up her legs underneath her skirt. It’s all going good, old Jay working his magic as usual,..my hand slides up until…..BAM!,...Hairy nutsack ‘n’ truncheon!.. "Whoooa there!" i shouted ,and made a run for the washrooms to getaway, wash my hands and take a piss.

Jesus!

Catching my breath back in the washroom it was easy to regain my confidence before going back out – See,..all the guys at the urinals were checking out my schlong,..checking it out, gleaming / jealous eyes, knowing that they were no match (for me) with the ladies.

Anyway,...not wanting to play "find the snake" again with the dude in fishnets, I decided to start hanging around with some straight English guys and scope out the scene. Pulling etiquette is probably different on this side of the pond, i needed some local knowledge. *Silent Bob was busy listening to some dude with a buzz-cut and big tits talk about Pink’s latest album*, ...so I went over to a group of guys who were obviously as straight as they come – jeans, tight white t-shirts, and handlebar moustaches. Real "men's men."

I decided to start up some conversation with the lads; “Jesus Christ! What’s a guy got to do to get laid in this godamn place!? i said,.."Gnome sayin’?”

Of course, they all agreed with me; I could tell by all the knowing nods and winks in the group that all the lads concurred,..agreeing that it is all terribly hard in here,.. terribly hard!!

One of the lads in particular, Bruno, I think his name was, tells me he can sort me out. What a result! I thought - See, local knowledge really is the way forward! I remember thinking.

,....I follow him (Bruno) out to the alley, (he obviously knows where all the hot ladies hang) and once out there he tells me to close my eyes. He wants to surprise me don't he!!

So, I do for a bit, and wouldn't you know it,..after a while I feel this girl’s lips down below. This is more like it ,i thought as i opened my eyes and looked down, ........... When i did however, what did i see!? It’s was only f*****g Bruno wasn't it! Jesus, what a practical joker! What a wheeze!! *The English and their famous sense of humour!!*
,........I didn’t want to spoil the joke, so I waited until he finished.....

As an American in London, I highly recommend this place if you want to make a whole bunch of new ironic English guy friends; when i was here the jokes just kept coming and coming all night!

But,...if you're over in London trying to get lucky with an English lady, then you could probably pick a better place than this. And besides, when you're in here, you’ll find it tough competition for the few available ladies that are here,..having to pit yourself against all those rugged men an all!

Jay's rating for Heaven - 4 / 10 

Top Dog Andy

• View by pub
• View by reviewer
• View by place

• Natural Selection,..

  “,….. Why didn’t they live to be 100?Huh? Well, they woz running round all day, hunting mammoths, eating berries,..rumping their little hearts out. No boozing or smoking. They must have been fit as fiddles. Yer Neanderthalls……….I’ll tell you why, it’s … Continue reading →