St Stephens (Westminster)

V (V for Vendetta)

"V is for Verdana," I exulted during my all-staff presentation. "As our new corporate font, Verdana stands for vision; it is our vehicle for print messages going forward, its brutal simplicity represents our valiant past and values for the future. Verdana is our struggle against oppression. Verdana is victory."

"We must not vacillate from our new font," I added sagely. "Nor must we get bogged down in the vagaries of verbiage. Variation is 'verboten'," I added cleverly, wishing I could remove my mask and wink at the little marketing strumpet in the front row (damn this hideous disfigurement).

I knew I was talking cobblers from the outset, but what could I do? The top man had tasked me with delivering a new corporate image for the revolution. And to come up with it pretty damn quick.

I thought I had a plan. I started the only way I knew how, by focusing on that ridiculous epithet.

V is for Vengence, V for Vendetta, V is for Victory, all that nonsense. And so it was, when I was having a dump, I realised the genius of  "V is for Verdana".

My plan advanced like a liberating army. I glanced at a book or two – and even the interlink. I found some pithy phrases coined by brand marketing specialists. They'd clearly been through similar re-branding exercises.

With my weapons of Verdana and marketing speak, I thought I'd get away with it at the all-staffer.

I started well. Said I'd 'evolved the brand concept'. While V was still 'deeply embedded within the corporate DNA of the new style'… 'the time had come to reflect a more cohesive, forward-thinking synergy', I said.

Like I said, I thought I was clever enough to get away with it. Thought they'd buy into my V-led verbosity. But I was badly wrong. Like that time I blew up the Houses of Parliament, I bombed during the Q&A. 

I tried to stick to my mojo – you know, lots of V-words and that. But I just ended up talking out of my varse. This is just a snap-shot of my pain.

"Hi V. Jim from Accounts here. Erm, it seems to me that Times New Roman works so much better with the new purchase order forms; could I suggest we stick with that for my team?"

"Oh vagrant vegetarian," I replied sneeringly. "You must be afflicted by a virulent verruca to ask such a thing. Did you see the voracious velociraptors in The Lost World?"

"er, what…I don't understand….what do you...?"

* interrupting * "Never mind, next question please."

"Hi V, Susie from Personnel. Just wondered what font size you'd recommend for corporate event badges ….oh and Jeff in our canteen asked about lunch menus?"

"Very, very, very good question Suzie. According to my notes * flicks through empty notebook * it says 10-point for a vignette destined for the Vietnamese delegation. But maybe, 12-point for the vocabulary of the vol-au-vent."

See what I mean? I sounded ridiculous. And they all knew it.

Ten minutes in, and I was begging the ground to swallow me up. Couldn't help feeling that if I never saw another word V-aligned word again, it'd be too soon!

Fortunately, being the real Guy Fawkes or whatever I am, I know Westminster pretty well. Last year, I'd sent a tube train down a tunnel packed with high explosives to take out the Houses of Parliament. Four hundred or so years after my first crack (I was never any good at history) I blew those houses of ill repute sky high!

Despite the destruction, I knew there was a boozer nearby that had survived. Somewhere I could still get meself a pint or two, take the sting out of my day, before I got home to the bleating missus.

St Stephens in Westminster. God bless it (for not having a single v in its name as a starter!). I took a swerve from the office as soon as the clocking-out machine hit 16:00.

It's not a bad pub, if you're going solo and can avoid the terminable lobbyists and PR 'professionals' that still seem to creep out of the stone-work post-revolution.

But at least you can have a pint of Guinness right in the heart of this glorious democratic capital. Looking out over the Thames (now that rotten edifice has been wiped from the map) I can dream about the good people of the revolution carefully following my re-worked corporate-style rules. Like I said, V is for Verdana.

V's rating for St Stephens – 8 / 10

Sputnikski

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