Earl of Lonsdale (Portobello Road)

Clubber Lang (Rocky III)

I (always) pity the fool that tries to test with me.

“Weak Lager top, Brother,..and my usual blender with some milk please Muchacho……..for real!”

…..No one tells Clubber Lang how to do presentations; no one! Power-point is ma boy, procedures be for sheep,… and Clubber is NOoo sheep,..Don’t wear no sheep clothes neither,..save the occasional ‘skin collar!

Also.

Clubber loves tha Lonsdale; feels at home with the name! And Clubber looooves Portobello, specifically tha market; boy, it surely is DA place to buy mah bling bling in London?!

Clubber also loves tha Sam Smith’s nonsense,..oh, and tha big screen,..tha big screen for soccer in the yard. Tha Lonsdale? Well it’s also near Clubber’s apartment..and as you all should know,..Clubber ain’t getting on no tube!!

A brother shoudn’t need tellin.

As a man who can box, Clubber digs tha Man in the Box,…Clubber loves that little fella; the cheap punk. Clubber also loves his regular booth in here,..tha wildest widest!

Clubber loves his pints, his booth and his copy of chat magazine on his lunch hour. Believe!

Oh no, here come tha pain! Bring it on! Second’s out.

*Boss and colleague approach, taking turns to duck under the Lonsdale’s old school partitions.*

“Ah,..here she is! Thought we’d find you tucked away! Keith, allow me to introduce my new P.A…B.A!”

“Lovely to meet you B.A.”

“Clubber Lang is tha name,..and I pity the fool that gets it wrong twice!” *sipping pint,.avoiding eye contact, staring off into the middle distance.*

“Oh sorry, of course,..Clubber,..*to Keith*,. it’s Clubber. Listen Clubber, I don’t like to bring this up in front of Keith but,..in fact Keith, would you mind getting the drinks in, whilst I clear something up with B.A.?.....Thanks”

“Now Clubber, come on,…what is all this?! I just went back to my desk to pick up the third quarter forecasts for Pan-European economic growth, that I asked you for! And well,…just what do you call this!?... I was expecting a five or six sided Power-point presentation; with the usual graphs, charts and commentary! You seem to have totally misunderstood me. Did you not know how to source the information; I thought that the previous temp left very comprehensive procedural notes?”

“Procedures are for tha fool. That’s my forecast brother! Take it or leave it.”

“Clubber my dear, you can’t be serious? Are you having trouble at home? Time of the month? Worried that the husband has been 'playing away' or some-such? You’ve just given me one side of A4 with a printed statement and bullet point. YES, you’ve done it in the company stipulated font and text size, but really Miss Lang,…you can’t expect me to present this to the board!”

“Those is tha forecasts as I see them fool!”

*Clubber gets back to his pint as Keith returns with more (pints),..Brian takes him aside, ducking back under the partition into the next alcove, to have a private word.*

“,….I’m so sorry about all this Keith,..bit of trouble with the staff. I’ll have to have a word with Alfred Marks I think. Recently the secretarial people that they have been sending our way have left, shall we say, a lot to be desired; they’ve been absolutely useless and,..well, between me and you,..i know it’s not strictly P.C.,..but, rough as old boots, to boot! Awful. Do you know what B.A.’s stab at the European forecast presentation was? Well I’ll tell you,..it was the word PAIN in bold block capitals, with a bullet point underneath saying 'I’ll be in Lonsdale.' 

“Oh that’s terrible Brian,..you’re right, it doesn’t work on any level,.doesn’t even come close to covering off any of the major issues,..no mention of the credit crunch either!”

“Exactly,..exactly my thinking Keith,..I reckon she’ll have to go. Still,.. coulda been worse I suppose. Have you seen Peterman’s new P.A. up on the fourth floor? Jesus, what a moose!”

“No I haven’t seen her,.. I’ll look her photo up on the intranet phone book when we get back to the office. What’s her name?”

“Rocky the Third."

Clubber Lang’s rating for The Lonsdale -9 / 10

Rolosocosy

Rocky's punching above his weight in the Samuel Pepys. Read more

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