Tottenham (Tottenham Court Road)

Sheriff Buford T Justice (Smokey & The Bandit)

*Scowling to himself, removing his hat, moping his brow*

Freakin' Limeys

Who the hell wants to mover a truckload of Moose from Dover to London Zoo!
The things people do for the dollar, ..I hate this freakin' cess-pit godamn island.

*Spit*

Cagney & Lacey, Starsky & Hutch, Crocket & Tubbs, Fish ‘n’ Chips (French Fries)! Why does everything have to be in pairs! *Growls*. Why can’t a man just do a job on his own. Look at this dip-stick I’ve got with me! *Making inverted comma sign* “Take Junior with you” she said,” He’s always wanted to see Big Ben!” I’ll Big her Ben!!!

I couldn’t talk the lil sumbitch out of it, despite pitching it as the worst gig ever, and sure as hell was I right! Roundabout things everywhere, Congestion Fines and now this one-way sumbitch! ……..Here we are now in a crappy bar called The Tottenham,…freakin' tourist poontangers everywhere,..and we’re looking for the Bandit.

“Daddy,…these people look funny daddy, they all have their rucksacks on the front on their chests, where mommy would wear her underthings”

“Shut-it, you lil turd, or you’re going back in the car!”

“But daddy, it’ terrible in here and I’ve nowhere to sit; there is nowhere to even put down this drink”

“Listen numbnuts! It’s the only place up this enda the street as far as I can see. He must be here!”

“I’m sorry daddy, its just that I feel that I need some air, you know what Mommy says about my breathing,.Is there an outside!?”

“You’re lucky to be breathing at all you lil fu,…Does it look like there’s an outside?! Or, you think the European man has a different idea of personal space?!! Just stay still and keep that bladder under control!”

“Yes Daddy”

So, I looked around for The Bandit,..No sign! Time for the old Buford T special,..the Double Bluff.

“Gimme that Talkie Walkie Junior!”

*He gets on the portable CB radio*

“Bandit?!,..Bandit?!,..Is that you?!,…This is Sheriff Buford T Justice here and I is in hot pursuit,..In a place called the Tottenham,…I know you is in here and I is comin for ya,..Make no mistake,,,,”*In background* “Daddy, Daddy!”,…”Shut it happycheeks!,..Bandit, I should be with you shortly,…over.”

“What’s the name of this Place again?”

“Tottenham, Daddy,…so it said outside.”

“He’s not here and he sounded close….” “Hey!” *to bartender*,..”Lord Lucan …What is the next closest bar to here?”

“The Argyle, probably about 10 minutes that way Deputy.”

“Deputy my ass,..If I had more time,.. I’da fu,..Come on Junior!”

So I grabbed the lil crap and we jumped in the car. Who knows what side of the goddamn street we were using but, I just hit the gas.

“Daddy, mind that truck,.. Daddy!!”

“Quiet turd!”

“But Daddy, the back door is opening,….”

,…………And we hit the godamn truck!!

*they are sitting stunned in the car (which is a total write off), with steam coming through the smashed up bonnet. Having, at the same time, broken open the back door to the lorry, the Moose are now running amok down Oxford Street*

“Gimme your handkerchief Junior!”

“Why Daddy?”

“Just gimme it!”

*Passes it over*

*Buford Wipes a small patch of the smashed up bonnet*

“What was it daddy?”

“Just a lil moose-crap”

Burford T Justice’s rating for The Tottenham – 0 / 10

Rolosocosy

Where's Bandit? Just down the (Oxford) street in the Argyle

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