Argyll (Oxford Circus)

Bo Bandit Darville (Smokey & The Bandit)

*Creasing up to himself*

It never ceases to amaze me, what some people will pay money for!

Don’t ask me why (I’m not 100% myself), but, upon hearing how I successfully moved a full grown elephant from Miami to Dallas in under three days, a mystery consortium have offered me a stack of cash to move a truckload of Moose from Dover to London Zoo! And I’ve accepted.

After all; isn’t that what I do best – Transport ludicrous cargo, huge distances under a spurious pretence,....with no real point?!

But money is money after-all, and I do like the UK.

Steak n Kidney Pie, Apples and Pears, Morecambe & Wise, Elton & Furnish! Everything is in pairs for you weirdos ain’t it! *Chuckles* Guess that’s why I brought Snowman over with me.

He took some talking into it, after all what is the point of it really? So I pulled him round by pitching it as the easiest gig ever. But boy, was I wrong!

This journey has been absolute murder. What is it with this island? Roundabout things everywhere, congestion fines, one-way systems and now this clamping business! What’s it all about son!

Clamped on Oxford Street we are, it’s absolute mayhem out there, so we’ve jumped out of the truck and straight into a bar called The Argyll; here we are, drinking warm Heineken whilst the clock ticks,…with Smokey on our tail.

They tell me that the zoo is under three miles from here, but getting there in the next hour looks unlikely.

“Bandit”, said Snowman. “You’da thought that for a place like this in the middla the smoke, they’da moved them there barrels from out front, they’s awful unsightly”

“I hear ya ole son, I know what ya mean, but I reckon it’s the furniture” I said, “for putting ya beer on you know”

“Oh,..I see.” he said.

*Snowman had a point though; there were certainly glasses on top of these barrels, but the majority were empty.*

We went inside.

That cop will never find us in here, look at all these “Oldie-Worldie” booth type things I thought. Still, to be sure, we picked the bar at the very back, which had slots, like a lil crumby O’Vegas it was.

We ordered two large beers in pint glasses.

“How long did that Warden fella say bout takin that thing off the truck Bandit?”

“If I’m remembrin rightly, he said 30 minutes, and it’s “Lorry” over here, not “Truck””

“I hear ya good buddy, come back!,…..Erm,..Those deer gotta be getting mighty thirsty by now.”

“We’ve all gotta thirst baby, but I wouldn’t wish this beer on anyone. They’ll be alright.”

*the portable CB radio goes off*

“Bandit?!,..Bandit?!,..That you?!,…This is Sheriff Buford T Justice here and I is in hot pursuit,..In a place called the Tottenham,…I know you is in here and I is comin for ya,..make no mistake,,,,*In background* “Daddy, Daddy!”,…”Shut it numbnuts!,..Bandit, I should be with you shortly,…over.”

*Bandit turns the CB off*

“What’s the name of this Place again?”

“Argyll, it said outside”

“And what did ole Buford say?”

“Tottenham, I think”

“Hey bartender, how far is the Tottenham bar from here”

“Probably about 10 minutes Burt”

“Damn,…oh and err it’s Bandit today, not Burt”

“Whatever you say Burt, but it’ll never be ten minutes today, there will be no way through, there’s been a smash-up on Oxford Street, there are Moose everywhere!”

“Well YEAH..!! We noticed that already *both creasing up*,…..Oh shoot!!”

Bo “Bandit” Darville’s rating for The Argyll – 6 / 10

Rolosocosy

Bandit's got a smokey on his tail (that means there's a fat cop called Buford T Justice in the pub down the road)

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