Pepys Bar (Tower Hill)

Randall Boggs (Monsters Inc)

History is littered with creative thinkers like Randall Boggs.

We are the creatures derided by our peers for harbouring…well…. extreme views. Pilloried in our time, we wait for the day when history's hand brings down its hammer on an altogether more enlightened judgement.

Are we monsters? Some might think so. Extreme can be a euphemism for necessary, if you want my opinion.

Besides, I'm happy with the label if monster means someone prepared to suggest the un-suggestable, to solve the seemingly unsolvable. It's genius; lateral thinking that sets us apart from the lumpen masses, my friend.

I could tell you about some of the radicals in my world, but you probably won't have heard of them. But you have heard of me right? Randall Boggs. And I number myself among the elite.

Why did I leave Monstropolis? Well, my radical genius wasn't appreciated back home, so I came through the door …. literally and permanently.

I can't go back, but I wouldn't want to. Monstropolis may need me, but I need it like a boot in my row of impeccable and impressive teeth.

Let me tell you what happened. Like your planet, Monstropolis had a serious energy crisis. An energy crisis for which it needed a solution. I came up with the scream extractor. Painful for kids, but energy efficient and very clean.

But the powers that be put their money on the wrong (monstrous) horse - that half-witted jerk Sullivan and his one-eyed side-kick. "Make kids laugh instead". That was Sullivan's ridiculous starting point. MORONS. It doesn't take a genius like me to tell you that it goes a little against the grain. Kids, monsters and screaming - that's the way of the parallel worlds. That's what makes electricity. Laughter doesn't come into it.

Well, well, well, Sullivan's inspiration for his light bulb moment – that cute little human kid - turned out to be more toxic than Britney.

You know your book War of the Worlds by H G Wells? Martians defeated by microscopic human germs?

Yeah, well our situation in the parallel world had an interesting parallel. Sullivan's pet unleashed a virus so deadly, so infectious, that it systematically wiped out all the computers across the monster world.

Neat trick huh?

Three months after dumping me for Sullivan's solution, the virus crashed everything – hospitals, schools you name it. Seems the winds of change should've been blowing Randall Boggs' way after all.

Me and Fungus left; took a door to the other side and set up shop in London. Now we turn our hand to the world of futures trading in the city. (I'm great at it; Fungus is hopeless)

Sullivan and the cyclopic space-hopper are in jail, and I'm here putting my genius to more productive work, helping you out with your little energy crisis. Or, more accurately, helping myself to the spoils of predicting markets that might address it.

You see my new employers know a good thing when they see it. An investor with an innate advantage, that's Randall Boggs. You could say it's an invisible edge - natural camouflage. Particularly useful for blending in unnoticed at company board meetings!

Thanks to a little experience, a huge intellect and a natural propensity to make like a chameleon, I'm loaded up to my bulging eyeballs with a penthouse in the City. And this is where I drink. Pepys Bar in Tower Hill.

Along with all the other bug-eyed, sneaky little city monsters.

Randall Boggs' rating for Pepys Bar – 3 / 10

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• Natural Selection,..

  “,….. Why didn’t they live to be 100?Huh? Well, they woz running round all day, hunting mammoths, eating berries,..rumping their little hearts out. No boozing or smoking. They must have been fit as fiddles. Yer Neanderthalls……….I’ll tell you why, it’s … Continue reading →