Long Room (Queens Park)

Dumbo

“JOSE, I’ve fallen!”

*Hahahahaha, this was bound to happen at some point. The old dripping trunk problem rearing its ugly head again.*

“JOSE! When you bring the pints over, grab a cloth for this floor as well will ya, I just slipped over whilst breaking off,….It may be empty in here mate, but you’ve gotta maintain some standards,…..you’re on stripes by the way.”

They say that an elephant never forget's,..hmmm not strictly true, especially for those of us (Africans) that like a drink or two. But you’d think that any kinda rudimentary recall would help remind me why I shouldn't come in here. After all, it's always deserted, highly food-focused and overpriced.

Funny thing is though, I do remember. I DO remember, and those are the reasons why I DO come in here,….yeah, I know why I come here; it’s for the service. Don’t get me wrong, it ain’t great, not anything special, in fact it’s just ole Jose over there,…but you see the thing is, it’s very difficult to get caught in a queue or to fail to catch the eye of the bar-staff, when you're the only geezer (elephant) in a gaff.

There are three boozers on the main strip in this manor, and in every conceivable (legitimate pub) respect, The Corrib leaves the other two trailing in it’s wake. Trouble is, I can’t go in. When the craic is all kicking off, the volume is just too much for me,…I can hear a pin drop at a hundred paces don’t forget, and The Corrib during the football is like standing next to a Harrier jump-jet at take off. These lugs can be a bit of a burden.

The Salusbury? Well you’d think that a ‘phant like me would have no problems getting served wouldn’t you?  "Not short of a bit of the old bar-presence that pachyderm!", you’d hazard? Well, unfortunately / fortunately, depending on which way you look at it, that’s not the case. I may as well be invisible; everyone being so caught up with their own egos n all,..getting served? On a par with trying to herd cats! Impossible!

So, it’s The Long Room for me, where I always get served as soon as I walk in. Unless, that is, Jose is asleep face down on the bar, in which case I just have to wake him up with a quick blast on the old trunk (he loves that!). Whereupon he’ll hop back over behind the jump double quick,…and get pouring.

"JOSE! Turn the stereo down a further notch whilst you're there, will ya!"

He adores it when I come in (after the initial shock), does Jose.

Poor chap, it must be a daily conundrum for him, thinking of, just exactly WHY it is that he left wherever it is he comes from, to ply his trade in this place. Forget about run off your feet, this guy is rarely even on his feet,..Es no necessito,..such is the lack of passing trade.

Like I say, he perks right up when he spies me bowling on in to The Long Room,..with my long boat (and full wallet),..cos I usually buy him a drink or two and then we’ll invariably have several more over a few games of pool.

*He’s rubbish by the way. One of those foreigners who think they can play, who reckon they know what pool is all about - they can’t and they don’t!*

Anyway,…I usually let him win a couple of frames to maintain our friendship, and occasionally, when we get properly tanked, I’ll tie a knot in my trunk to handicap myself a bit and hamper my cueing….We do have a bit of a laugh actually now that I think about it. We’re a bit like those geezers; John McCarthy and Brian Keenan I guess,…making the best of our lots,..cept with booze,..and err,..we’re here out of choice,…well,…

,..yeah, so like I say,.I'm in here most nights cos it’s guaranteed to be empty. Most night’s ‘cept Fridays and the occasional Saturday; when they may have a private party for some teenager's 18th or similar. I stay well clear then, and just get 100 or so cans-in instead.

Jose? Well he seems happy enough. Managing to get your head down 15 hours a day can’t be all bad I suppose. Can’t get those kinda perks where he’s from I guess,…wonder where he is from in fact? His name ain’t even Jose,..now that i think about it. I just lucked-out a bit I guess,…see I call everyone Jose, everyone to a man in fact, and he,..well,.. he seemed happy to buy into it!

Thinking about it logically, he may actually be called Johan or Lars or some-such, considering his Aryan colouring,..but who cares, all I know is, that whenever I shout “JOSE!” he shouts “JOSE!” back, starts laughing and springs into action,..and that’s good enough for me.

That’s one of the advantages of employing these foreign bar-staff I guess; the old linguistic skills. Jose, for instance, speaks five different languages excluding Cockney……He can even say “Stone me it's dead again, ain’t it Dumbo?!” in Swahili!

Dumbo’s rating for The Long Room – 8 / 10

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