Cock & Woolpack (Bank)

Captain Kirk (Star Trek)

*Accompanied by a grating, and rather cheap-sounding sound-effect, two shimmering shafts of light start to form in front of the bar… molecules flying everywhere, the sound effect increases in volume.*

“What’s that flamin' noise Pat?" (*Butcher - for it is she!*) "You hoovering upstairs again? You did it on Sunday for chissakes!"

*The shafts increase in density until two humanoid-type figures take shape. The sound effect is now seriously grating.*

“PAT!! Turn it in will ya, I’m HEARIN BELLS HERE!... “ (to himself) “and I only want to be seeing Bells don’t I, winkle? (pours a large one, affects an imaginary character answering an imaginary question) “Don’t mind if I do Frank” (* Butcher - for it is he! *) “thank you Frank” etc…

*The sound effect climaxes with what sounds like the “ding” of an electric egg-timer. There are now unmistakably two figures in the bar, both wearing skin tight blue tops, one sporting a pair of comedy ears.  Landlord Frank Butcher is too busy drinking his own profits to notice their quasi-miraculous appearance, as he slowly turns to serve them.*

“Hello Gents… what can I get ya?... now before you ask, you’re alright wearing that gear in here for the moment as we’re not busy, but come 6 O’Clock we’re gonna fill-up, so I’d think about moving onto to one of your gaffs if you know what I mean”

“Captain?" *massive eye-brow raise*

*whispers* “Easy Spock… *looking shiftily around*… I’ll do the talking…. I know how to handle these places *glint in his eye*. HELLO, my good man, we’ll have two pints of Oranjeboum and a packet of smokey bacon… and thanks for the advice.”

“Coming up squire… just put a fresh barrel in as it goes… *pours pints* closest I can do to smokey bacon these days is pancetta and basil olive drizzle, that OK?”

“That’s fine *Kirk pulls out pack of JPS king-size*. You got an ash-tray anywhere?”

“WHOA!!! What d’you think this is winkle, a ruddy fairground ride? Where were you on July 1st?”

*Spock - under his breath* “Captain… the precise answer to that question is Quadrant 4, Galaxy 236x… we were seeing Uhuru’s in-laws I think.”

“Hush Spock… *Jim puts fags away* … Just joking, of course landlord… we’ll take these pints to a cosy seat somewhere”

“Do what you like Pal… *pushes huge tinted glasses higher up bridge of nose with one-finger*.… do what yououououou like *turning back to the Bells optic.*”

“Captain… my Blackberry tells me we’re in the City of London, and it’s around Midday on a Friday afternoon.”

“What’s the year Spock? The year dammit?”

“Hard to say Jim. Judging by the dress sense and vernacular, I would say the seventh decade of the 20th century… but judging by his reaction to your cigarettes, the lack of smokey bacon crisps, I think we must be in the 21st… it’s hard to say. There could be a wormhole in this very building.”

“I dare say there is Spock… but, if this is the 21st century, and we’re in the City of London, on a Friday lunchtime, don’t you think this place would be busy Spock? Don’t you? Look around you man…”

“Captain?”

“Sorry, turn of phrase, I know you’re Vulcan...”

“Mixed-Race actually Jim,..or more correctly, Dual-Heritage!”

“Whatever…. just look around you. We’re the only people here Spock!”

“That is, as you imply, illogical Captain. Every other pub in the vicinity will be, in the parlance of the day 'rammo' and yet we’re the only people here…it doesn't make sense, particularly as my sensors tell me this is one of the best boozers in the area. With exceedingly cheap, but well kept, pints." 

*Kirk’s crummy hand-held device starts beeping* “No wait Spock!! My detector is picking up a life force behind us… it’s moving…. It’s about to come though that door! Phasers to stun!”

*Shuffling sounds come from the stairs leading down to the toilet and a booze-addled city journalist staggers out, returning to his seat and half finished Kronenberg, staring into space (which is the final frontier) as he sups.*

“Jim….. what have we stumbled across here? Is this really the society that built the Enterprise?”

“Indeed it is Spock. It’s not so shocking… I can see Scotty in a place like this.”

“That’s true Jim, and I imagine Mr Checkov would feel at home here. It’s not Bones’ scene though is it?”

“Bones Spock? Are you mad? He’d be down the road larging it in Coq d’Argent! Anyway Spock… before we enjoy ourselves too much, I want you to do something for me… I want you to try mind-melding with our fellow drinker… the guy over there on his own”

“OK Jim… I’ll try…..” *Spock furrows his brow and murmurs a few words of Vulcan…. He concentrates further, bowing his head….. he then screws his face up in anguish.* “Jim….. Jiiimm it’s terrible….. it’s despicable, it’s ludicrous……. But Oranjeboum only £2.70…. no-one comes in here from work…. back room has no direct line of sight from the bar….. oh it’s appalling….. but not far from the tube…. Aaaaagghhhh, the monotony of it all….. Jiiiimmm!!!!”

*Kirk gives Spock a nudge and snaps him out of it.*

“Drink up Spock…. we’re leaving”

Kirk and Spock’s rating for the Cock & Woolpack - 7/10

Steveo500

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