Plumbers Arms (Victoria)

Super Mario

It's enough to drive a man round the U-bend - even a man as porky as me. Got to admit though, it ain't rocket science.

Dashing, blue hedgehog versus rotund plumber, sporting a Chuffy-the-train-driver hat and caterpillar on his top lip? In the battle for game space, who do you think was going to come out on top? It's what those clever marketing people call a no-brainer (the jerks).

Even after the gamers got bored with Play Station, his phone never stopped ringing. Mine? Well, let's just say not many agents ever returned my messages.

In the late 90s my spiky nemesis was always on the goggle box. Not to mention the gossip pages of the The Sun and Mirror.

Parties, premieres, even a fortnight on I'm a Celebrity (runner-up to Moon Cat). I couldn't even get a gig as 'washed-up handy man' on Extras. They gave that to Craig from Big Brother. 

Mind you, that was before the incident in the swimming pool with his druggy orange mate with the three tails. Very unsavoury. Come to think of it, I’ve heard nothing about him in the last year or so, would love to hear that he’s Fallen down, like me,…that would make my day.

What about me? Well, I've turned into a cliché, drinking in the Plumbers Arms near Victoria. See, I reckoned that if I booze in a pub that defined me – all eponymous-like - someone might recognise me.

Someone might even think they named the place after me. Pathetic really. Nobody knows who the hell I am, even with all the 'clues' like the blue and red dungarees that I still squeeze into (put on a stone or two since that photo was taken).

Talking of photos, I gave the landlady a signed one to put on the wall a few weeks ago. She was pleasant enough, said maybe they'd think about "sticking it in the gents khasi". Claimed to recognise me too. "That film with Jim Carrey wasn't it?". Erm…. No…. At least she was polite.

Anyway back to my story. Eventually, after the programming dried-up, I went back to plumbing; what the hell else is there? Other than jumping around like a madman collecting things and climbing ladders, it's all I know.

Hooked up with the boys in Pimlico. I even suggested they use me as the face of Pimlico Plumbers. Bit of exposure for me, free advertising for them and an enhanced daily rate, so I thought. They weren't interested. "Wrong image," they said.

Bottom line, today I got exactly the same as my Polish mates for plunging my fat arms down Tabatha's drains. Urgent job Mario said the text message, Sycamore leaf infestation caused blocked drains at trustafarian mews in Fulham. Top priority then.

What else to say? I plumb in London and spend my wages in the Plumbers Arms. Life's a cartoon. Just hope Sonic's having a ball.

And what do I think of this joint? It's alright, not bad at all really. Plenty of after-work action spilling into the street which can be irritating, but plumbing's not bad I suppose. I mean the bogs, taps and hand-driers all work and that's a welcome change for a central London boozer.

Super Mario's rating for the Plumbers Arms - 4 / 10

Sputnikski

Sonic's fallen (rolled) on tougher times too. Read more here.

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