Rose & Crown (Wimbledon Village)

John Bender (The Breakfast Club)

Dear Pub Patrons,

You should appreciate the fact that I had to spend an entire Saturday in the public bar in this place, for no other reason than something to do – I mean there wasn’t anything else to do – but I think I’m crazy not to have at least moved on once they refused to serve me more beer.

What I did was rude, but I think having to repeat my simple orders several times to Vernon the barman is reason enough to ask “Do I stutter?”; perhaps, in retrospect, I shouldn’t have tripped the fire alarm in the toilets though,..It might have been a step too far.

Trouble was, this being a claustrophobic establishment, you couldn’t help but be involved in everyone’s business, it was making me angry; I became convinced I was in for a boring day – and even looked to escape at one point. The place reminded me of Wales, where everyone spoke English, until you were identified as a non-local; whereupon they engaged in an unintelligible, guttural series of grunts.

The laid back, ‘local’ pub vibe had made me feel isolated, surly and unwelcome. But the moment a group of four students arrived for breakfast I felt instantly energised. 

Energised - despite the fact that Andy, the sporty guy, clearly wanted to challenge my position as the sudden leader and centre of attention.

This guy obviously rated himself as some kinda jock I think, some swoonsome football hero,..related to Charlie Sheen he reckoned. Hahahaha! 'More like Mr Sheen,' I said,.. that shut him up! He knew he was bested then, and slowly mellowed to the point where, after a while, he could be observed in tears with Alison, the arty, goth chick in a corner.

How Brian the Brain even got into the pub was a mystery to me; it made no sense. No sense that is, until the pubeless wonder showed me his false driving license. Then it clicked. Though why he’d make himself 68-years-old was evidence that it was his first attempt...

Claire (isn’t that a fat girl's name?) was a different matter entirely. In fact, if i'm honest. The whole 'setting off the sprinklers' scenario, was probably an attempt to impress her.

I don’t normally go for redheads, but as she sat there, directly opposite me, all prissy in pink, I couldn't help but appreciate her rusty charm. The occasional tantalising glimpse of her (very visible) knickers was working it's magic on me. I couldn't resist having a pop,..and showing off a little.

And so that's the way it went; the two us playing out this love/hate scenario for most of the day...But I'm nobody's fool you see, I knew that I was getting somewhere. And that's how it panned out. I finally got to tickle her tonsils just as the group were leaving at the end of the session.

Before that though, we had to suffer lunch. And believe me, it was a tepid affair.

The variety of the orders was a lesson in stereotypes. Suffice it to say that Claire brought her own (raw fish and seaweed!) because she wasn’t happy with the standard fare of ‘home-cooked’ pie in a pot offered at this chain’s attempt at local flavour,..stuck up tart! I think Brian the Brain, snuck in a Pot Noodle.

I was pretty tanked by this point anyhow, and regrettably engaged in a stand-up row with Vernon (or Dick as I called him), a situation that lead to the aforementioned false alarm. He’d offered his chin to me, and while I didn’t take up the offer – I could have laid him out in two hits, me hitting him, him hitting the floor – I felt the need for retribution.

A regrettable situation in a way, but like I say, all the girls like a bad boy don't they, and the proof is in the pudding.

I got my snog, but sadly, Carl the cleaner ruined any good feeling by charging overtime for cleaning up the mess I made by setting off the sprinklers!

Vernon says I’ve got to do two months behind the bar to pay it all off!

“For two months - I gotcha” he said,

"SCREW YOU!” was my retort.

Just like being at school…

John Bender's rating for The Rose & Crown - 5 / 10

Rimmersmeg

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