Salusbury (Queens Park)

Bond - James Bond

*After much eyebrow raising (on both sides of the bar), Bond finally gets served in The Salusbury. No mean feat in itself, but Bond,..as always, has Ladies on the menu*

“Bond… James Bond…. Whatever you’re drinking my dear and, of course, a Vodka Martini pour moi”

“We don’t do cocktails”

Don’t do cocktails? Don’t do cocktails?! Look at the prices on that wine list! Look what they’re charging for food!! And they don’t do cocktails? Still….… compose yourself Bond… you’re supposed to be deep cover. The double-first from Cambridge in Oriental Languages and.. ahem.. sheet metal working.. will come in handy with this young filly here,..

“OK…. *affecting another textbook eyebrow-raise a la late 70s Moore*..… one of those Jap lagers then mon sweet… and while you’re at it, a pint of Waggledance for.. ahem… my companion”

“Sure”

Not even any eye contact!!...New tack me-thinks James,..

“I went to Cambridge, you know. Where did you study?”

*without looking up* “Oxford”

*impressed* “Oh really? …. Which college? Christ? Balliol? ”

“Oxford Brooks actually” *walking off while checking her nails.*

“Oh….. I see…..” *withdraws from bar*

Ahem,..a minor hiccup James,…Anway, lets find a seat 007, concentrate on the job in hand, and find somewhere prominent to leave this antique two-piece Ash snooker cue.

The cue? Well it’s important see…. I’m deep cover at the moment, and this cue is part of my disguise. Q fashioned it for me with his usual loving care: it is of course hollow and contains a 5mm sub-machine gun, but I don’t envisage having to put it to use.

By the way, this Jap lager is disgusting! Always drink Saki when in Japan is my tip (but don’t be Saki, they simply won’t get it). Anyway, it’s going in the plant pot and I’m moving onto the Waggledance…

So you might ask why these days I’m sitting in a Queen’s Park gastro-pub with a snooker cue, and not trussed up in a tux, loitering round a blackjack table somewhere…

Well I’ll tell you… I’ve had it with cards. Anything but cards. Two reasons: internet poker, and last years’ gambling act. I’m sorry, but there are two places you won’t find this particular agent: chain-smoking in my boxers at 4am, hooked up to a poker room with some 12-yr old from Minnesota upping the ante is one of them; and jostling for a pint at the bar of a 'super casino' underneath Wembley stadium is the other. Neither is remotely my style. You should know that… you’ve seen the films.

Anyway, the thing is, the double agent I’m meeting here has an original cover himself – he’s become a big player on the London pool circuit – and M assures me he regularly drops into the Salusbury to talk himself up and look for opponents before adjourning to The Corrib to seal the deal. So… let’s enjoy this beverage, reminisce a bit, occasionally fondle the branch (that’s what they call cues 'in the game') and wait for him to appear,..

*Some Calypso music starts playing in the background*

Ahhh… I remember… San Monique…. the lovely Solitaire…. What a close shave that turned out to be!.... I still have nightmares about it…. but ahhh….. Solitaire……

*Bond sips his Waggledance and muses on his time in San Monique. Eventually the music changes to something Brazilian*

Ahhhhhhhh… the Rio Carnival, end of the 70s….. and the sultry Holly Goodhead…. ahhh Holly... like this beer, you did indeed give….(ahem).... and Jaws… sniff… he was alright in the end old Jaws…. We made up over champagne in space… sniff……. *wipes tear* God, Bond, when you think about it, you’ve made and lost some good friends along the way. It’s not all been…..

*Something Oriental comes on… Bond swivels to the bar and snaps*

“LOOK!” Haven’t you got ANYTHING but ruddy World Music here? Everytime I come here there’s some dreary Dub, or ludicrous African beat, or some “ironic” vaudeville crud!! Sort it out!! What’s wrong with the flaming charts? A bit of Duran Duran never killed anyone!”

“Sorry, sir… we’ll see what we can do” *does nothing*

“Hmmm… whatever…. give me another Waggledance, forget the Jap stuff”

*Two girls pull up to the bar next to Bond*

“Hmmm, helloooo!”

*being ignored* “So I was saying Tabby…. If Piers really wants to drive the Porsche to Henley then I’m not going to be responsible for filling it up when I take it up down to Guildford to see mummy and daddy… he’s done that to me for the last time”

Porsche-driving boyfriend, eh? This should be easy Bond… candy from a baby… get the DB7 keys out… nice and cool.

“Oh absolutely darling…. I mean, your bonus this year was paid 80% in share options… you’re on the breadline….. you just haven’t got the money Penny”

For God's sake!! I’m off…. last thing I need is reminders of that old boot…..

,...Anyway, where is this pool-playing prat? It’s 4.45 by now, where can he be? Don’t fancy the wait at the bar again in this gaff. I’m going to try elsewhere; maybe M’s given me duff information (wouldn’t be the first time… what about that Miami Beach fiasco?). That Long Room over the road is worth a go… they’ve actually GOT a pool table in there, which is more than you can say for this dump - The Corrib would be the best bet of course, but it will be packed for the football at the moment; there would be no space to un-sheave the branch let alone cue it up!

Ah, the Corrib! Now that’s a pub…maybe later. For now, I can’t stay a moment longer here. This Waggledance may have sent me into a lovely reminiscent stupor, but the place is too packed, the music too pretentious, and those two at the bar are typical. Yes… I’m off!

*Bond leaves, crosses the road and enters the (deserted) Long Room…. just as the referee blows for full time in the Liverpool v Spurs game, and the sought after double-agent, along with 200 others prannies, leave the Corrib Rest and head for the Salusbury*

Bond’s rating for the Salusbury - 2/10

Steveo500

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