pub review

Ye Olde Swiss (Swiss Cottage)

Ernie McCracken (Kingpin)

 *Back over his shoulder as he approaches the bar*
Do me a favour, will you? Would you mind washing off that perfume before I come back to the table?

*At the bar*,.. A non alcoholic fruit juice and a quadruple rum & blackcurrant please.
*Waving back from the bar to an Octogenarian Lady in the Snug*

,…It's all about getting your edge you see. People always ask me you know, they say "Crack, what is it about you that sets you apart from the rest? Why are you so successful? Why are you the best?"

It's talent I always tell em. God-given talent and charisma, but that’s not strictly the truth. I wouldn’t be where I am today, without my secret weapon, my comparative advantage, my Je ne sais quoi avec moi ce soir. My cunning.
You see, it’s been said before, but its true - talent will only get you so far in this world. Sure, I'm smart, great looking and a snappy dresser, but what has made me The Kingpin?

I'll tell you…You wanna know what’s made me the lord and master of every alley *wink wink* that I have ever dealt with? It’s been my willingness to do whatever it takes to get the job done!

Barman - "Twelve pounds fifty please mate"

*his comb-over has fallen over his face as he hands over the cash, he brushes it aside*

You see it's simple,…*blows a few stragglers away to the side*

'Survival of the fittest', one of your lot said that didn't they? Charles Dickens I believe it was. Damn right. And this is why - Where I am today, in a literal sense, is in Ye Olde Swiss, plying an old hag called Ethel with booze. *smiles back at her*

I've been in the UK six months or so now, learning to bowl Brit-style. Sure the money ain't that great, but there were certain 'situations' back in The States that made it convenient for me to come over here for a while….

It's been a steep learning curve, I'll admit that. Learning to play on grass, slowing the pace down, drinking cups of tea etc. I lost count of the number of green-crown clubs that kicked me out in the first month or so,…I was smashing those initial Jacks into the middle of next week before I had the rules straightened out for me! Hahaha!

*more tea Ern?*

But I've adapted to the surface, I've really got my swerve going. It's all in the fingers you see,..Ha, that’s a goodun, I might just text that one to Munson!
But now I'm here (told Ethel that it was one good luck drink), in a real Swiss Cottage in the heart of London, It’s not, of course,..but the drinks are cheap, it has decent armchairs and the wheelchair access is the best this side of Mount Vernon. Oh, and usually, there’s not a looker in the bunch. So the ladies feel superior.

Anyhow, it’s the eve of the finals - The finals of the Ham & High Over 70's Stannah Stair-lift Trophy, in association with Tricia Healthcare 'Peace of mind assured'.

Tomorrow, Bea and I, play Norris and Ethel in the mixed doubles final, and I am here in The Swiss to make sure that we win.

You see, Norris is no real worry for me. Ethel? Now she is the real dangerous one of the pair - a real demon in and around the (sack) jack when she gets going! I tried to get her banned (covertly) on account of her artificial hip, but the bigwigs at the club were having none of it.

So, I've another plan.

*pauses to sign an autograph, for a middle aged American woman with a blue-rinse*

That’s my cell number at the bottom there baby,…………*as she walks off disgusted, he’s leaning over to stare at her backside* Call me baby!

There’s no way that Ethel can play tomorrow without her teeth. So the plan is, to get her tanked-up and then steal em. If she doesn't get drunk enough, then hey, I'll steal em off the bedside table in the morning, if it comes to that *shudders*. Whatever it takes.

'Win at all costs', that’s my motto. *Simulating Doggy Style with the corner of the bar –* THAT’S,..*urgh* WHAT,. *urgh*...I’M,. *urgh*…TALKING,. *urgh*…ABOUT!

*recovering composure, sipping his juice* You see, this is what competitive sport has taught me, something that Munson never quite understood - It's a big turd sandwich and we all gotta take a bite.

*talking over his shoulder as he walks back to the table, and Ethel* If you can't even take a bite you ain’t even in the game, hell you ain’t even in the arena. ….Here we are Ethel, a blackcurrant juice for my special lady,...get your gnashers round that girl!

Ernie McCracken’s rating for Ye Olde Swiss – 9 / 10

Rolosocosy

Comment Posted on 17 Dec 2007 by K

Oi Ern,..work it to the max pal! Le comb-over est mucho macho baby!

Comment Posted on 07 Mar 2008 by Geezer dying on boat

,........the strangest thing! Don't ask me why, but the pool room seems to be "a secret" in here. Oooooooooooooooh pool! If you wanna play, just go round to the small bar and buzz the buzzer. Best of luck,..you dodgy pool players you!

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Map

picture of Ye Olde Swiss (Swiss Cottage) 98 Finchley Road London

98 Finchley Road

London

NW3 5EL