Hoxton Bar & Kitchen (Old Street)

Forrest Gump

Life is like a box of chocolates.

Huh?!

“Life is like a box of chocolates” my mama told me, but I can’t see it.

“Life” to me, seems to be a series of unfeasible and extraordinary events, followed one by one, in quick succession, squeezed into a two hour film. That’s life.

“Life?” Well, isn’t it just the same for all of us? Winning the 100 metres in the Olympics, whacking the Nips at ping pong (in their own back yard), chatting to Elvis and sealing victory in the Vietnam war. That’s life.

Life is like a box of chocolates?

No, it's not really, is it.

I like things simple, I like people to mean what they say and to say what they mean. I also like a drink. But the pubs over here are so scary, that I don’t like to go in without knowing what to expect. The Red Lion? As if! The Angel? That’s fantasy *mama says, that they only exist in heaven*. The King’s Arms? What is this? Some kinda freak show! Digress! Well please allow me to,…

As I was walking down Oxford road the other day, someone told me that they were “Literally over the moon” to have met me, another was “Totally doing his nut!” I walked away, fast before I saw anything I shouldn’t.

We all speak American don’t we? Why can’t people talk more clearly here?

I’m not a smart man, I know that, but I know what I like, and I don’t like surprises. Things need to make sense. That’s why I like the Hoxton Bar & Kitchen.

Here, you know exactly what you are going to get. Well almost. It has a bar (I didn’t get served), there is a kitchen (I saw and smelt it), and they are both in the same building in a place called Hoxton. Hence, The Hoxton Bar & Kitchen.

Inside it says "No Smoking" (allowed). Which is fine by me, since I don’t smoke, but still, it is nice to know that, if I did want to,  I couldn’t have done so here.

*Box of chocolates*

The music is loud, the place is long, thin, dark and packed. I waited at the bar for an hour or so but (as I said) did not manage to get a drink. Still, everybody was very nice. I could have stayed here for a while longer, were it not for the fact that the toilets were not working *Disabled sign*, so I eventually had to leave.

It was so dark that, afore I knew it, I was going in the wrong direction, and found myself at the back of the bar by the massive bay windows. I was bathed in light, headlamp light, bathed, head- to- toe in Datsun orange. It was the taxis parked out back.

It made me edgy. It was crap.

No worries though, I clambered back through the masses, to the true exit at the front and hit fresh air. I had plenty of other places to visit *and take a pee pee*.

You see, you can always get what you want in London, if you just pay attention to the names.  Me, I headed off to The Green Man in Bank (with my camera *Can’t wait!*). And to get there, I headed down Mincing Lane and up St Michael’s Alley. 

Just swell. A real blast.

Forrest Gump's rating for the Hoxton Bar & Kitchen 10 / 10

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