Golden Eagle (Marylebone)

George Webber's vicar (10)

Get the f**k out of my face will ya. Jesus Christ, you come to me for a pub review today? Another in a well-trodden line of the worst days of my f*****g life?

You terrible c**t.

Keyboard players' block, that's my f*****g problem. And I know who's to blame for this situation. George f*****g Webber, that's who – the little English ivory-tinkling virtuoso. And major league p***k.

Laughed at one of my compositions, didn't he. The f****r must've thought I didn't hear him sniggering. Maybe he thinks I'm deaf, or just some stupid mother-f****r in a dog collar who wouldn't be offended. Ha-de-f*****g ha, a reverend who plays the organ and makes up songs. Yeah, well, everyone has feelings, c**t.

I mean, you ever heard of something called good manners George, you insensitive b*****d. Even Mrs Kissell knew how to conduct herself when I was playing. And she was as deaf as a f*****g post, the doubled-up old f**t.

But you had to make a big f*****g joke of it, humiliate me in my own home. Couldn't just humour a God-fearing man could you. Jesus, I'm mad.

Maybe I'm no Mozart or Lennon. Big deal. But Christ, how about a bit of encouragement George?

Is it any wonder I'm here now. In this f*****g God-forsaken country. In this God-forsaken pub full of human detritus. Is it any wonder I come to this freakin' freak show to tinkle the ivories on their decrepit piano. This weird, purple crap hole with its s**t-faced barflies and walls that stink of paint?

Yeah, that's right George, I said it's got a piano. You wanna come down here and show us how it's done, w****r? YOU LISTENING GEORGE: God, today is a bad day

Oh, hang on though, I think all this pent up anger's brought a little something to me, no thanks to that philandering middle-aged p***k. Better just give me a f*****g 10 for this set of God-damn lyrics George. Here goes.

Now, let me get this rhyme right:

(starts a little plinky-plonk tune)

My mum came into my bedroom
And sucked my tiny *** …
Oh…


George Webber's vicar's rating for the Golden Eagle – 4 / 10

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