Pitcher and Piano (Bishopsgate)

Detective Lieutenant Frank Drebben (The Naked Gun)

The call came in at 6.30, Whilst I was shaking down some Jehovah’s Witnesses by Barbican tube.

"Leaving drinks at 7.30 in The P & P" was the arrangement. Ed retiring from the force. Remembering my own leaving do (six months previous), I knew I had to make it.  We’ve shot a lot of people together, Ed and I,..There was no way that I was gonna TK (Too Knackered) it.

Now, I was on a tight schedule, Jane was working late, so it was my turn to cook dinner – She loves Chinese, so I had planned on a quiche…. I just cuffed the JW’s to a bendy bus and confiscated their stuff.

I needed to head to Sainsbury’s (Metro) to buy some self-raising and eggs, so making it in time was gonna be a fine line, although  I knew that with some skillful lane work and the flashing blue light, it would probably work out ok.

Leaving the store, I decided to “make some time”, and shifted the Mondeo into reverse,  Taking Highbury corner at speed, I was bumped by an oncoming traffic island,… I pulled my piece but did not get a look at the driver.

Back home, I immediately got cooking,..Whilst the quiche was boiling I changed into something more comfortable and left a note for Snookums telling her that it would be ready for her when she arrived back around 7.

*Knowing how much she would appreciate it, I put several kisses at the bottom of the note.*

Flooring the Mondeo, I checked the clock,..With the pedal to the medal I could just about make it,..but, like a teenage boy at a Sharon Stone movie, I was gonna have to keep it down.

“A lot of young people in here,” I said to Nordburg as I walked in, “What do you think they are all here for?”

“Nookie,” said Nordburg.

“Not just now Nordburg,” thanks” I said.

We moved through to the back bar, it was like a tanked up session of Essex United in there. “I don’t know how long I can put up with this?” I said. “May just have to stay for one or two, and then get home to Jane for some lovin.”

“It's Ed’s leaving do,” said Nordburg, “You’ve gotta stay for a little bit Frank!”

I agreed half-heartedly, knowing deep down though, that, like a paraplegic cellist,…I was gonna have to play it by ear.

We got buffeted about a bit, my dinner jacket was showing serious signs of wear and tear already. After ten minutes or so, I spied Ed’s balding pate atop the crowd,..And started making my way over.

“Ed!” I said.

“Frank!!” he replied, giving me a huge, wild-eyed bear-hug.

“Ed, listen”, I said,.. “We’ve had a lotta good times together, but I don’t think I can stick this much longer”

*I looked around for the nearest exit and everything was hazy - this was pre-smoking ban remember*

“You ever seen that film Gorillas in the mist?” I said.

“Oh come on Frank,..Don’t be like that,…It’s a Thursday night! Everyone is down here,.Look,...There’s Irish Slim, Tofu, Wall-To-Wall City and The Barnsley Rat!”

“Barnsley Rat?”

“Yeah, you know him Frank,  Used to work down in Tooting,..Originally hails from Watford,….Used to kick around with Rocco O’Toole and Budgie!”

“Rocco O’Toole from Camden?”

“No Frank, the other one,..”

,…

“Ed listen,..You’ve obviously had a few already,.I’m gonna go,..Will call you in the week,..Is there anything you need before I go?”

“Pint, Pint” he whispered.

“That’s a pretty tall order Ed,” I said *Looking around* “You’re gonna have to give me some time on that one….”

Detective Lieutenant Frank Drebben’s rating for the P & P – 1 / 10

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• Natural Selection,..

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