Talbot (Belgravia)

Maurice Kessler (Goodfellas)

My name is Maurice Kessler (but my huge circle of friends call me Morrie).

I am a business man and a big fan of the Talbot. I do have a small complaint (other than it looks like it should be on a roundabout in Basingstoke – not in Belgravia). I suppose it's not really the landlord's fault, but I'll let you decide.

You see, I spent a lot of money on a TV advert for my company For Men Only. It's based in Queens NY and deals with head-wear. The ad was quite clever: dead creative and full of impact.

There I am leaping in a swimming pool singing Danny Boy wearing a piece which is hugging the top of my swede, as secure as a limpet on a rock. It looks amazing, totally real and totally secure.

I'd spent a lot of money on this ad because my mate Jimmy had promised me some cash to cover it, following a heist that I'd set up. But Jimmy was being a right tosser, ignoring me, telling me to wait, getting the flaming hump and such.

I was polite and reasonable - and I thought pretty patient. But one night I'm in the Talbot, chatting with the landlord, one of my most loyal customers, and I saw Jimmy in the corner.

I dunno, something in me snapped. I waltzed over and demanded my money.

Do you know how that maniac Jimmy reacted? He wraps the public phone cord round my neck and tries to throttle me. As he does it I have a Bobby Charlton moment. The piece starts to hang off my head like an African wifey's breast. Jimmy's mate is wetting himself and the landlord pretends he hasn't noticed, walking to the other end of the bar, one hand on his own Maurice if you know what I mean.

It was a really unsavoury moment. But worse followed. I thought it was all sorted and I agreed to be patient - again! Doh.

Everything calms down. We have some beers, which are a bit cloudy. Hey ho. Later though, we get into Jimmy's car to go for some Taco Bell and his mate - a real Italian douche bag - sticks a spike in the back of my neck and murders me.

I mean, it's a bit flaming much. A really bad ending to cap a real pain in the crack of an evening.

I'll give this pub a rating of five. Because my wife disgusts me.

Morrie Kessler's rating for The Talbot – 5 / 10

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