John Bull (Gunnersbury)

David Brent (The Office)

Brent - Two words for ya, Swindon Lot.

Girl from the Swindon Lot - Good one.

B - What?

GFTSL - Calling us 'SWINDON LOT'.

B - No, no! I meant, two words for you Swindon lot. Pub this lunch? Err,... 'PUB LUNCH'!?

Who's up for it? I'm buying. Who cares if it is only Tuesday? 'Ooh no,..we can't go to the pub on a weekday Boss. At least not until Friday Boss!' Forget that rubbish. That type of stuff is for provincials - for those with bosses who play by the rules. That's not how we roll here in Chiswick.

You Swindon Lot won't know what's hit you. Am I right or am I wrong Gareth?

Gareth - Ooooh you're right David! You lot are gonna love it here. Sometimes,..and i'm not joking,..sometimes, we go to the pub at lunch everyday. Often, the afternoons are just a blur!!

B - Whoa Gareth,..whoa! I would not go that far. The afternoons are never a blur. At least not for those of us that can handle our drink!

G - Yeah,..err,..yeah right. I was not talking about Me and You. I was talking about others.

B - Others. Like who?

G - Well,…err,…Pallets Steve and Monkey Harris.

B - Pallets Steve and Monkey Harris work in the warehouse, so they don't count.

Pallets Steve moves pallets, and all Monkey Harris has to do, is worry about driving his forklift. He's not involved in the important business of selling paper like you are,..or in managing, and motivating a large team (very well), like I am! He can do his job with his eyes shut,..and often does I think. Who cares if Monkey Harris is drunk in the afternoon? What I am talking about, is drinking in moderation,..but whilst at the same time, maintaining the 'fun' factor.

G - *nodding knowingly* Health & Safety.

B - Exactly Gareth! Health & Safety. H & S. But also 'professionalism' and 'fun'. So who's up for it? *miming a gunshot*. Pow!

*A reluctant show of hands*

Everyone. Great, well let's go. *walking out looking back over his shoulder* Oh, and someone will need to carry the new Swindon wheel-chair fella down the back stairs. *turning fully around to look, wink and point at the guy in the wheelchair,..whilst still walking backwards towards the door* Don't worry though mate, once we get there, you'll find that the John Bull is fully kitted out for Mongs. Sometimes I even use the tards shitters in the JB myself (they're so nice). And I'm a 'normal'.

*turning back round and blasting through the doors*

*shouting as he exits - both hands aloft* Cheers. Wagons roll!

*Cut to a deserted, sterile and soulless John Bull. Brent is getting the drinks in. He comes back to the table with a full tray looking distraught. The Swindon Lot have all opted for soft drinks. There is no one else in this dispicable hole.*

£35! 35 quid for 10 drinks! I wouldn't mind so much but 7 of em are soft. This is disappointing. Finchy wouldn't stand for this would he Gareth.

G - Finchy?! Oh no,…Finchy won't buy soft drinks on principle.

B - That's Finchy!! Wait until you lot meet him. Tell em Gareth.

G - Oh yeah. You wait until you meet Finchy!

B - Finchy,……………………hmmmmmmmm……………So, how is everyone settling in? Finding it a bit of a culture shock I guess after Neils' reign of terror down in Swindon. I suppose you've noticed the fun down here? And of course, the 'humour'?!

GFTSL - *looking around disparagingly* Where are the food menus?

B - I don't know. What's your problem? We're not gonna actually eat here are we. We normally get a sandwich from the Paki shop on the way back.

GFTSL - So we are not actually having lunch?

B - Course we are! Is 12.30 isn't it. Lunch doesn't have to mean actually eating food does it? Does it Gareth? Not when there are pints to be drunk.

G - Exactly.

B - Within moderation………………

GFTSL - Does this pub ever get busy?

B - Here? The John Bull! The old JB as we call it. Coh dear,..tell her Gareth.

G - No not really.

B - Hang on, hang on! What are you talking about. What about the mad night we had in here last Thursday for the quiz…?!

G - Oh yeah. That was mad. Mental.

B - Mental. Exactly,……….it was crazy.

GFTSL - What happened?

B - Well,..it was the quiz. And it all kicked off.

GFTSL - In what way?

B - Tell her Gareth

G - Well err, it all kicked off,………………..to be honest, I don't really remember.

B - See! Mental!! He can't even remember, due to the fact that it was so crazy. I'll tell em. It all kicked off when we were arguing with the quiz master over the answer for the capital of Brazil. We' had a few by then!!

G - Oh yeah, mental!

GFTSL - Brasilia.

B - Brazil. Yeah, Brazil.

GFTSL - No, Brasilia. It's a real place. It's been the capital of Brazil since the 70's I think.

B - Hahahahahaha! Good one. Brasilia! Very funny. What! With El Presidente 'Godzillia'! Hahahaha!,…Nice one……….So anyway, we answered correctly - Rio De Janeiro, and the fella behind the mic told us we were wrong.

G - Crazy.

B - Mental.

G - Mental,………….

GFTSL - *apathetic* And then what happened?

B - Well, as I say, it all kicked off. We argued our point with the guy and he ended up admitting defeat and he gave us the point.

GFTSL - *sarky* Sounds great. You broke the poor guy down did you?

B - Yeah, it was great. It was a brilliant night, and in the end our team ended up coming third didn't we Gareth.

G - Yep. Kaboom!

GFTSL - How many teams were there?

B - Oh, I don't really remember. Loads. It was packed out.

G - I do. It's all flooding back now. There were four.

GFTSL - Four!!

B - Thank you Gareth. Probably more than that. *pointing at Gareth* This one was drunk remember.

GFTSL - Sounds like an unforgettable night.

B - It was,………………………….

*A long uncomfortable silence is followed by the front door opening and a protracted and noisy entrance*

………………………………………………...

B - Oh, here comes the wheelchair fella. Fair play to him, he's made his own way down. He looks knackered!! Maybe he stopped off for a couple en route?

GFTSL - What are you trying to say!?

B - Well,…Ha,..not being funny,..but……he looks legless already!!!! Hahahahaha! Hey Gareth?! Huh?

G - Legend!!!! Classic!!!!!

GFTSL - This is crap.

Brent's rating for the John Bull - 9 / 10
Swindon Lot's rating for the John Bull - 1 / 10

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