Old Red Lion Theatre Pub (Islington)

Group Captain Lionel P Mandrake (Dr Strangelove)

‘Tell you what, Jack, let’s pop into the Old Red Lion for a quiet drink. Try to talk through this little snag of ours. Get some perspective on it. Just you and me, Jack, man-to-man’

‘Man-to-Mandrake’

‘Well, yes Jack, if that’s how you want to play it. Man-to-Mandrake it is. Shall we go in? After you, Jack. You’ll like it in here…That’s the spirit’

‘What kind of goddam place have you brought me to, Mandrake?’

‘It’s a theatre pub, Jack. Did you ever tread the boards, Jack? I dabbled a bit at university and even played here a couple of times.

‘You played, Mandrake? In a theatre? Are you a god…dam…homo, Mandrake?

‘Steady on, Jack. I’m a member of a club which reviews English pubs. I’ve promised something on this place, and thought it would fun for us to have drink, Jack.

‘Fun, Mandrake? What the hell kind of idea of fun is that? We are fighting rearguard against the Ruskies, and you’re talking to me about pub reviews.

‘Well, yes, Jack. I thought it might take our mind off things. Thought you might be able to give me a few ideas over a pint or two. Come on, Jack, let’s work together on this. What we need is a thousand words and the bomber recall code, Jack.

‘A thousand words, Mandrake. A man can do a lot of damage with a thousand words’

‘Yes, Jack. A lot of damage.’

‘Commie. There’s a word for you, Mandrake. Infiltration, indoctrination, subversion, and conspiracy. There’s four more, Mandrake.

‘Thank you, Jack. They’re certainly words…helpful words, I’ll give you that. Look Jack, I need you to tell me the recall code. That would be more helpful. Three little letters, that’s all.

‘Letters…words…Mandrake. The building blocks of Communist conspiracy. That’s the way a hardcore Commie works. With letters that make words.

‘Well yes, Jack…Tell you what, let’s have a drink and you can tell me more about this theory of yours.

‘Barmaid? Yes, a pint of Pride please and…Jack? Come on, what are you going to have?

‘Mandrake, pour me a green alcohol and rain water. I’m going to the john’

‘Right, yes, the john, Jack. So, a Pride for me and a green alcohol and rain water for my friend…Better just make it a vodka and soda. I think that’s what he’s driving at...

‘Mandrake, you ever supplied a woman with your essence?

‘Ah jolly good, you’re back, Jack. I thought you’d got lost.

‘You ever supplied a woman with your essence? You know what a woman is don’t you, Mandrake?

‘Yes, Jack

‘Well, have you ever supplied your essence to one?

‘Well, I suppose…once or twice…yes…at university.

‘Well, put these words in your review, Mandrake. Flavoured, coloured, ribbed, variety pack. Are you getting my point, Mandrake?

‘Well…not really, Jack. I’m struggling to stay with you on this one

‘It’s the way a Commie’s mind works, Mandrake. You ever heard of deseedification?

‘Well, yes..I’ve heard of it…

‘What is it?

‘Um…I’m not really sure, Jack

‘The profilactic, Mandrake…the ‘rubber’ to you or I…is the tool in this monstrously conceived and dangerous process of deseedification. Mandrake, Commies are amongst us…in this theatre joint…working to limit the spread of right-thinking people like you or I, Mandrake. Right thinking people’

‘Yes, right…thinking…people’

‘There’s a dispensing machine in that john, Mandrake, which proves my point.

‘Yes, Jack it proves something, I’ll give you that. Listen, Jack. I’m all ears, really I am…but I really need you to tell me the recall code.

‘You ever used a rubber dispenser in a Commie nightspot, Mandrake?

‘Can’t say that I have, Jack.

‘Well, that’s because there aren’t any. Commies are procreating freely and unsheathed as we speak, Mandrake. I once denied my own essence to women. But now, Mandrake, I see the error of my denial…Goddam, what the hell am I drinking here?

‘It’s vodka and soda, Jack.

‘Mandrake, what kind of horseshitter are you? You bring me to this place, the Old Commie Lion, and you feed me fluoridized water and vodka. Have you ever considered what one drop of this stuff does to a right-thinking man?

‘Come on, Jack, relax a bit, have a crisp and let’s talk about the recall code. You see, we really don’t want to start a nuclear war unless we really have to. I think these are cheese and onion…

‘How’s your review shaping up, Mandrake?

‘Well, I like it here, Jack, don’t you? I like the oblique glass panelling which demarcates the snug area…the plushness…the piano…the friendly bar staff…the sport on telly…the box office…

‘Mandrake, what the hell are you going on about? Look around you, what do you see?

‘I don’t know, Jack. People having a nice time? Theatergoers milling?

‘I tell you what I see, Mandrake. The fall out from deseedification, that’s what. This place might have been full on a Saturday night. But no. It’s only half full. And why? Because our essence is not reaching our women as it should. It is Communist conspiracy to stem and collect our precious bodily fluids.

‘I don’t think anyone’s collected my bodily fluids, Jack. Look, I really must insist that you give me the recall code, Jack

‘Look around you Mandrake. Smell the air in here. Get a feel of plush banquette. What is it saying to you?

‘What is banquette saying to me, Jack?

‘The banquette isn’t saying anything to you, Mandrake you moron. It’s a banquette. What I’m saying to you is, like the banquette, the Commie has no regard for human life…not even his or her own.

‘Look Jack, as enthralled as I am about what the Commie has or has not regard for…I need the recall code. Those bombers will be reaching their positions any time now…

‘You ever been tortured, Mandrake?

‘I have to say, Jack, much as I like you, and the warm welcome you have given me on the Officers exchange scheme, I am beginning to feel just a little bit tortured by you right now.

‘I don’t know how well I could stand up to torture, Mandrake. My essence must be free to flow. It cannot be held in rubber sacks and processed by Commies. I’m going to the john, Mandrake.

‘Yes, Jack, the john again. That’ll do the trick. Tell you what, let’s both go. That’s what we need, Jack, a visit to the john…and the code. We can play a little guessing game on the way.

‘Good luck with the review, Mandrake. You’re a good officer. And a good man. It’s not your fault.

‘I know, Jack.

‘I’m sorry for what I said. Your review will be much appreciated. You are doing sterling work, Mandrake, on that front. It will help a lot of people in the future. You’re a good man and a good reviewer, Group Captain.

‘Oh…right Jack, no need to salute me, Jack. We’re just having a piss…Oh I see you’re going for a number two eh, Jack?. Think about the code in there…Jack?…Jack? What are you doing in there?...Oh f**k.

Group Captain Lionel P Mandrake's rating for The Old Red Lion  - 9 / 10. *As good a place as any to have a vodka and soda and then shoot yourself.*

Draizetrain

Dr Strangelove himself is out and about in Luton,.....

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