Captain Koons (Pulp Fiction)

Old Goat (Fulwell)

Hello there son, you don't mind if i join you at your table for five minutes do you? Whilst your mommy is temporarily busy at the bar.

My name is Captain Koons, I was a friend of your fathers - we were in the army together – god rest his soul. I have a story to tell you young man. Are you sitting comfortably? It will not take long. Ok, then I’ll begin.

There once were three little pigs who lived a town called Teddington.

Also, a Teddington resident, was a big wolf.A big bad wolf. BAD old wolfie. GRRRR!

Wolfie loved pork. Any kinda pork. Pork pies, pork scratchings, bacon butties, sausages, you name it. If it looked or smelt of pork, he would have it.

Now, the 3 little pigs. they knew this, they knew that wolfie had them on his radar. And so these piggies, they get together and decide that their best course of action would be to build themselves houses as protection from bad old Wolfie.

The first pig was a very idle piggie. Ooooooooh Lazy pig!! He built his house hungover, without giving it too much thought. He built his house from straw.

The second piggy was just as stoopid, he built his house with twigs. And the third piggy? Oh, he was a smart smart piggy, and he built his house with bricks. Ahhh, yes, this third little piggy was not stoopid. He was no dunski! And knew the value of using proper building materials! Oink oink!!

Anyway, you can probably guess the direction that this is going, and i am sure that you have heard similer versions of this story before,....so I’ll abridge it for you so as not to take up too much more of your time. 

Wolfie goes to the house of the first piggy. Piggy One, won’t let him in. So Wolfie huffs and puffs, and, well,...you know the result. He blew that house A – Way! BLEW IT A-WAY!! Game over porko numero one!

Piggy Number Two. The 'Twig Pig'. Well, Wolfie comes around to his house,…….same story. Exit Pig 2!

,....to break off from the story for a moment. I have to say, you’ve gotta like this wolf, haven’t you?! He is a smart cookie and is making it all look so easy. You wouldn't find this wolf, working his ass off hunting snow bunnies,..in Alaska. Ha, no need, he just picks off pigs in South West London!

Haha! So anyway, Wolfie goes to the house of the third pig - Piggie Three - No Dunski! Working through the same scenario in his mind, Wolfie plays out the gig, just as on the previous two occasions:

“Can I come in?”

“No!”

“Can I come in?!”

"NOOO!"

"Let me in!!"

“No! Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin!”

So,......yeah, this pig has a chin now! Who wrote this stuff?! Huh, whatever, who are we to argue?!

So far, at Piggie Three's house, so same. Wolfie uses his line – “I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house down”.

“Fill your boots FoxFace!” says Piggy number Three. 

Wolfie is somewhat taken aback by this brazen slight, and so, he puts out his cigarette, takes a deep breath, and he huffs and he puffs harder than he has ever done before in his life...

But the house of Piggy number 3, does not move. As i mentioned, the brickwork is solid. S-O-L-I-D!! It will not break!

Not to be undone though. Wolfie then climbs up the side of the house and gains entry by going down the chimney. Wolfie is no dunski either, and by this time he is hungry.

But Piggy Three, he sees Wolfie shinning up outside on his guttering and he guesses what he is up to. And so, after a momentary panic, he manages to light a fire in the fireplace.

Wolfie is already half way down the chimney, at this point, when the fire starts and so he has no way out.

Yep, you've guessed it. Wolfie falls straight into the roaring fireplace. HE BURNS!! WOLFIE BURNS!!

Piggy 3 wins!! Victory for Piggy 3,..and Wolfie goes from hero to zero! HE BURNS!! WOLFIE BURNS!!

So,..you get the picture?! Bada-bing bada-boom!! Wolfie is gone. HE IS GONE!

Anywho……to bring this to a close………Piggy 3 has wolf burgers for dinner that night, and then heads out for a nice few pints in the Abercorn Arms later on. Where he is welcomed by all the regulars as a returning and conquering hero, having just won a marvellous victory.

And,………the moral of the story is!? Always carry a box of matches in case your lighter runs out!

Here’s some Swan Vestas for you, now put them in your pocket. It is what your father would have wanted.

Next time I am in the area, I will come back around and tell you the story about, Hansel and Gramsel...........................

................................................................

In the meantime, I've digressed. I can see your mommy coming back from the bar, so I’ll be quick. The real point of my visit is to give you something else that your father would have wanted you to have - his watch - which is your birthright. Here you go. You may want to give it a bit of a rinse before you use it......

Also, I have to tell you, just before i leave - your father must be turning in his grave to see you in an awful themed pub like this one. Give that some thought once you're no longer tied to your mommy's apron strings!

Now, I’m off to a proper 'old school' pub, like your father would have chosen, for a nice pint of Carling and perhaps a bacon sandwich. I told the barmaid to make sure that you don’t leave without finishing all of your moules mariniere. *sniffing* .....Mmmmmmm Bon appetit.

So,....remember what i said about washing that watch, about choosing your local and about always carrying your matches,…oh, and about Wolfie burning…remember,...WOLFIE BURNED, HE BURNED!!…Sweet dreams young man.

Captain Koons' rating for the Old Goat - 2 / 10

Rolosocosy