Captain Blackadder (Blackadder Goes Forth)

Roebuck (Hampton Hill)

I have a cunning plan sir.

Do you Baldrick?

Yes sir.

Is it as cunning as a fox who has a degree in Cunning from Oxford University.

Yes sir.

Well come on then, lets hear it, lets hear it. My hopes are not high, but we need to make some cash sharpish.

We open a pub sir.

That's it is it? We 'open a pub'!? We 'open a pub', in this current economic environment, where appoximately 10 public houses are being forced to close each and every day nationwide……

,………..the credit card bailiffs are banging on the door, with the express intention of using my nipples for tazer practice,…and that's the best that you can come up with?! We open a pub!

Yes sir.

You're suggesting that we 'open a pub' in the middle of this so-called 'Credit Crunch'? A period of destitution such as this country as not seen the like, since the great depression. We 'open a pub', in an era when the vast majority of the population have less disposable income now then ever before in their lives?!

Yes sir.

And just to be clear about this Baldrick. Why, precisely do you think that this would be a wise course of action?

Well sir. We make it different see.

We make it different?!

Yes sir, we make ours a distinctive pub that people will hear about and want to travel to. We will build a reputation.

*witheringly* A reputation?!

Yes sir. We open a pub, that will have people travelling from far and wide, to visit.

And how exactly do we accomplish this? How do we build this 'reputation', that will ensure that our booze business will thrive, whilst other more experienced landlords go to the wall.

We put shit on the walls.

Shit on the walls!?

Yes sir,..shit on the walls. And also dotted around the place. All kinds of shit. My cousin,..Mr Wetherspoon's dogsbody, says that his master tells him, that if you put some unique and distinctive shit in your pub, then it makes it stand out from the run of the mill bland corporate pub feel………….you know,...like the feel that you get in Mr Wetherspoon's pubs.

He says that does he!? He is telling us, to do exactly the opposite of what he himself does. Interesting! And what else does he say?

He says that since the vast majority of pubs are now owned by him and other corporations, there is still a niche market for a pub that is different.

Different huh! And so how do you propose that we, as rookie pub landlords, make ourselves different?

As I said sir. We put some shit up in our pub.

Shit! Shit like what Baldrick?

Oh, I dunno sir, he says that it does not really matter. Whatever we can find in the shed and in the cellar should do for us. My cousin says that we should just whack it all up. A couple of old saddles, some fishing rods, a bus stop sign. You know.

No I don't 'know' Baldrick! Saddles and a bus stop sign!?

Yeah, a bus stop sign, a broken framed train timetable,….anything that is old and rusty you know.

'Rustic' Baldrick. The word is 'Rustic'!

Yeah, so anyway. This rusty stuff is all we need, says my cousin. Anything that will catch the eye of the casual drinker. We are awash with that type of old shit Captain. That manky old crockery that we lifted from Mrs Miggins' for instance, that should go down a treat when hung from our pub ceiling.

Hung from the ceiling!? Don't go giving me ideas Baldrick! ……...And just what other pub 'pearls of wisdom' did Mr Wetherspoon impart. A cattle grid for outside the front door perhaps!? Hot water bottles for dogs? Bottles of that Magners shit for under 3 quid!

No sir. He said that we should put up loads of random shit, wherever we can, in every available space,..and then paint the whole outside of the pub bright red.

Bright red!

Yes sir, bright red. And he also said that we should ensure that we close the pub every Sunday between 4 and 7pm.

Hahaha! The crowning turd in the waterpipe!! Between 4 and 7pm on a Sunday you say. Ha! I must say, you really have surpassed yourself there Baldrick. So we should shut our, terrifyingly blood red boozer, for precisely the duration of the peak sabbath trading hours. You know, for the prime post lunch/football watching period! Brilliant,..absolutely brilliant!

I have got to hand it to you Balders, that's quite possibly your worst plan ever!

So, to recap - we are supposed to open up a pub, fill it with junk, paint it red and then shut up shop for Sunday Lunchtime ensuring to turn off the football on Ford Super Sunday, just as it is kicking off.

No sir, no. There will be no TV to turn off sir. Mr Wetherspoon says that we shouldn't have one.

Oh! Get out Baldrick, get out!,….

Captain Blackadder's rating for The Roebuck - 9 / 10

Rolosocosy